binary system of survival

The child is born, and it should be completely cared for by a mother (protection, nourishment, care) and a father (protection, guidance, care) - or mother/father figures. it should grow with these two core beliefs: I am safe and cared for, and I am loved and acknowledged.
Problem is usually the child develops its understanding of the world on very different believes, gathered interpreting the situation around it while in the mother's belly, and from year one to four (apparently year 0 to 1 doesn't really matter because the child hasn't realized yet that it is alive).

When the child is in utero, it feels everything the mother feels, and everything says strongly to anyone or feels strongly toward anyone, the child takes personally. so if the mother thinks "what the fuck kind of situation did I get myself into, I can't do this, if only I wasn't pregnant I could do this or that" and then maybe yells quite constantly at her husband, or on the other hand isn't very taken with him and doesn't verbalize or shows of deeply feels any strong love or care or affection, the child gets signals like "making the wrong choice makes you regret your life, do not EVER make the wrong choice or you will end up like this (and whenever the child, even when adult, has/wants to do something important, the body actually chokes the adrenal glands, creating tiredness, depression, impossibility to get up, focus, actual sleepiness, all kinds of things - and also on the other hand there's the constant pressure that creates anxiety, inability to enjoy things, to take a break and just be)";

or like "this is my fault" (which brings a feeling of guilt and great responsibility for everything going on around the person n his life); or like "I am not loved, i am not worthy of affection. I am not worthy of care or notice" (which bring lack of identity, hence the desire to live other identities, maybe also being an actor?, feeling very inadequate and insecure, and/or overcompensating for that with aggressive, outcasty, cutting, superior attitudes or beliefs);

or like "relationships only being suffering, so do not have them" (and seeing someone you haven't seen for five years or that you were in school with makes you walk the other wy to avoi contact, same with meeting people in general, relating - also because of not feeling confident enough to have an identity, let alone one that others would find interesting, worthwhile, acknowledge and god forbid appreciate);

or, above all, messages like "this situation is not good. be on guard. always be on guard because things happen and make me suffer. so always be afraid. because fear makes you careful and attentive. always be afraid. of everything. everything is a potential threat", which makes even walk by random people on the street a war that can only be won wearing all black, carrying a knife, staring them down, looking at them with dead or cutting eyes
(LOVE, I'M REALLY NOT SENDING YOU INDIRECT MESSAGES, I AM HONESTLY NOT TRYING TO TALK ABOUT YOU. I KNOW THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT FEEL SOME OF THIS MIGHT APPLY, BUT IT'S NOT AN ATTEMPT TO SUGGEST THINGS ABOUT YOU, JUST TO WRITE, WELL, ABOUT ME AND HOW ABOUT CERTAIN MECHANISMS).

Anyway, where does the binary system of survival come in? Here. The child is born with this already put on him. He feels this is his starting identity, these are the believes that shape the world. his world. which to him is the world, the world that filters the universe into him. chances are that with such a prologue, the first years of the child will be more of the same, or maybe some added shit. anyway, he, and I can possibly drop the he and just say I, I believe these beliefs to be the Truth. Not consciously obviously. But subconsciously, this becomes what shapes my life. And yes, it is true we are all connected, plugged into the the same awareness, the same consciousness(at least I feel and believe so), and all those talks about shaping your life, attracting things and such (what is called traditional magic, basically) are all true: only it's not what we want consciously, what we want to attract, our conscious thoughts that shape our lives, it's the immensely more powerful, more rooted subconscious: it is timeless, it does not deal in present or past but only in now, it's eternally present, subconsiously we are still that child, we still operate according to the same beliefs, we shape the world according to those beliefs, we attract things based on them. why? for survival.

because the child is born and, as said before, his beliefs should be "my parents love me, I am love and worthwhile, it's this love and care that keep me alive, therefore love, care and connection is the key to being and remaining alive, it's what brings me into this world and empowers me to survive". but when these beliefs lack or are not strong enough, they are replaced by other beliefs - for me, the ones stated above.

So the child has these beliefs, and at the same realizes "I AM ALIVE". "I hold this and this and this to be true AND I SURVIVE". which leads to the binary system: "I KEEP DOING THIS, I SURVIVE. THEREFORE IF I STOP I DIE".

that's why we re-enact the same things over and over and over, stuck in that timeless subconscious-shaped world: because we hold that belief system responsible for our survival. My mother didn't do what she was supposed to. Neither did my dad. So the ideal beliefs I was supposed to get, i did not get, I got a different set instead. The only way to be free and just be is to bring all the subconscious beliefs to consciousness, see them understand them, and start sending the message to body, self, everything, that THAT IS NOT REALITY. IT WAS JUST AN INTERPRETATION MADE BY A LITTLE KID

(children until roughly five have no brain hemisphere distinction, there is no logical thought, so if dad is away for work, he isn't away for work, HE IS AWAY FROM ME. and why would he possibly be away from me, unless I made it so?)

 AND NOW CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHANGED, INTERPRETATION HAS CHANGED, EVEN INTERPRETATION OF THOSE ORIGINAL AND ORIGINATING CIRCUMSTANCES HAS CHANGED, I AM A FULLY FUNCTIONAL, INDEPENDENT, SMART ADULT, YET I STILL LIVE, OPERATE, SHAPE MY LIFE BASED ON THE INTERPRETATION OF THE PAST MADE BY A LITTLE KID.

I carry that around with me everywhere, weight of the past (which in traditional chinese medicine apparently reflects in the back, like there is an actual weight on me, responsible for posture, pains and such, on top of the emotional and psychological connotations above). And I keep at it because I associate those belief not only with the only possible truth, but also with the only way of survival.

 It's why I've always picked relationships bound to fail: to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, because I got the core belief that relationshps bring pain, and I survived then, so I associate my surviving with that belief, so I re-enact that same circumstance to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, so I can reinforce my survival.

 It's why I systematically lose all my id documents: because I don't have an identity, I only say yes to whatever people ask, want, more or less directly of me, because I wasn't acknowledged therefore I am not worthwhile of an identity, and I make people go away so i have to keep them by making them happy about me, because they are NOT happy about me. And I have to keep doing this because I was doing this and I was surviving, and if I stop I will die.

I went to America because my mother wanted out when she was pregnant, she wanted to leave, escape, but couldn't because -hey- she was pregnant, and passed all those feelings on to me. All this stuff, all this life, happiness wasted by operating according to completely inaccurate beliefs, all these years lived in a world that doesn't exist but that I trap myself into, and use as the only perspective.

Things have been changing for a long time, accelerating from september on. I do have a relationship that although it may very well end, it's not bound to. And it is with someone that in some ways is very similar to me and every day helps me see myself, like a wonderful, caring mirror, and every day helps me take a little piece of unconscious and bringing it to the light. I have a wonderful therapist, a few excellent books and this witch doctor I met today who are all helping me tremendously.

I don't really know what I am. What my identity is. i feel like the desert, it was sea, it can be completely fertile. for now it's just space. space I want to clear from all the things that I know now are NOT me, and are not my way to survive. and certainly not live. I have been surviving because I am functioning, i eat, I drink, I go on. Not because of my beliefs.
I do get sick because of my beliefs, however. from my body trying to restore the balance. example: 'till a few months ago, I went to the bethroom once every two, three days. and it still happens somehow. why? intestines are associated with identity. not feeling like I have one (for the reasons above), shit becomes my identity. literally.
like it can become, on the outside, cars, houses, clothes, party affiliations, beliefs, whatever. on the inside, all that shit literally becomes shit. and my body does't let go of it, because the body works with symbols and intuition, it replaces lost identity with something that symolizes it and hold on to it - the body does not act on a rational level, so it might be strange to me what the conceptual leap from identity to shit is (and it's not "I am shit". god, at least I hope not), it's just that shit becomes the symbol for identity, which for the body is the thing itself, so it balances everything out: "you don't have identity? no problem, here, hold on to this shit, I mean identity".
handy? yes. and, in a way, exceedingly caring and efficient. actually good for me? no.

I want to live freely. I don't know what will come. I love the glimpses I have had. I do believe that so much of what I have with you, Carly, is part of that glimpse. I just know I want to really bring all this to full light, and though he is and will always be in me, I do not want be dragged around anymore by a scared, lonely child, with the weight and laws of his non-existing world on me and in every part of me.