world of ocean, world of sand.

this all matters in a way, it certainly all touches me, in a way. To deny that, is lying. But to give it the power and significance to define my reality, that's also ling. It only touches the surface, form-like, time-bound me. To try and find my true identity based on this, on "reality" and my life, is like trying to enclose an ocean in a sandbox. The ocean is what really matters, what rally nourishes me and defines me. Every over sand form lives in the world of sand, not in the world of ocean. It can trick but it cannot fill, define or nourish the world of ocean.

personal

Trust. For me to believe that what you say is what you mean, what you want, that it's not coming out of any obligation or responsibility, because that is a burden and an uncertainty I cannot take. For you to believe the same, because we both deserve to be able to move freely with one another and relate on a transparent, even keel, where caring doesn't mean trying to carry the other person, but give them full credit that they can handle, protect, carry themselves. While knowing that we are always there for one another. To live freely, parallel, without keeping ourselves or trying to keep the other person there. I really want that. That freedom, that love, that trust. I would love to have it with you. Also, I just wanted to say one thing. When last night you said that you're doing nothing with your life so at least you want to support people that do stuff that is worthwhile, and that's who you are... I mean, I tink it's wonderful that you are so supportive, and I wish there where more people like you. Hell, I wish I had more people like you in my life, especially growing up. But I also think that what you have inside, not related to anything else, that is incredibly worthwhile, one of the most worthwhile things I have personally encountered in my life. It's why I love you, or at least a big part. I think you're wonderful, and yes, it's partially because you're caring, and sweet, and really funny and clever and talented, and hot. But that's just an "external" part, which to me feels like a beautiful fresco on a beautiful, vast, almost magical room. What I believe I see and feel inside you, the life you have inside you, the depth and ways in which you are connected to life and yourself, to me that's incredibly precious and worthwhile. I think you are a treasure and have a treasure inside. I feel immensely grateful to be just near that, to have that in my life. I just hope that you give yourself the credit I think you deserve for all you do, but also for all you are. Because it's beautiful. And very powerful, and I feel privileged that you decide to share whatever part of it with me. I'm not saying this to cheer you up or anything. I just believe it,and you know I have issues with shutting about my opinions. I hope this doesn't upset you. If it does, please let me know. And if it does, I apologize in advance. Otherwise you don't have to reply or anything. I love you. Also, I don't know if this is too personal to be on a blog. i will take it down if you prefer. The only reason why I posted it here instead of sending it to you, is that I didn't want to burden you with it. I didn't want this to intrude in your day if its not a good moment, and I thought this is something you ca access when/if you feel like it. Love.

Twenty: Vynl

I used to like having such strong, thunderstormy feelings. Now I'm quite wary of them, as they usually mean I'm projecting or just lying to myself in various degrees. Which is why it's so surprising when I find them back inside me, this love, jumping at me from reality, almost blind-siding me. Enticing me all over again. Like Life, I guess, always the same, always Itself in each single pattern, every movement completely not new yet so fully present, real that it is anew - so are these creeping, possibly creepy feelings: I know them, I know what they are, but each time they happen again I find them, find me in them, them in me and all that. They surprise me by being exactly themselves. Which is why they are surprising: because, for me, to actually feel this way is quite surprising. Even more so when it slithers out of reality like breath, like a paper snake in sand. With such ease, it feels like they are made of the same grains, paper and sand, such ease but such thoroughly carnal texture, like sandpaper softly on skin. It's where safety and excitement, movement and space meet, for me. Which is the moment I am with you.

post nineteen. garlic and wine.

There's only one cloud of imagination, anticipation, glue of emotions and scraps of new (recent) memories and new (future) memories. And it tells me about you, about tomorrow night, having dinner and you. Being with you. Who would hae guessed that it can be so simple to be happy.

Accuracy

The true essence of all that exists, including (and especially) us, is like a pencil trait. If we are conscious of it, we will help draw the Unmanifested. The Unmanifested manifests itself through us, through everything, it draws Itself as (while) it sees Itself, so it can know Itself. To say that the world, our personalities -our mind-made, world-made fears, passions, desires- our form, all forms IN THEMSELVES are the reality, to say that they actually matter, is not very accurate. To say that our world, our lives have no meaning, that's also not very accurate. To say that everything is important and has its place, its space, because it is a manifestation of God and points us toward transcending each form and ourselves back to God, back to our true nature, is, I think, closer to accuracy. "Without illusion there can be no truth". Without forms, the Unmanifested wouldn't exist. Confined in forms, the Unmanifested, the Truth, can't be known. Understanding the forms, their true essence, and therefore transcending form, the Unmanifested returns to Itslef: It with us, Us with it. One that is everything, including 0. As we are one, any number is an illusion that points back at the 0/1.

a disclaimer for sanity

So. I feel things are actually going well. Like, very. I met someone incredibly intelligent, and funny, and caring, with such talent and sheer beauty inside. Also, like, outside. Someone that I get to spend time with, who seems quite taken by me, and who I am taken with, too. / I have a good friend, talented and funny loyal, that I get to work with on a good project. / There's weather, outside, that lets me get sunburnt in the park listening to homeless people arguing about lyrics to an old song (papa was a rollin' stone). So, things are going well. Which means that sometimes (hopefully most of the times) I am able to live them and enjoy them, and find nourishment and inspiration in them. Sometimes I find myself double-guessing this sneaky happiness feeling, feeling me up in all my special places like a rapy ninja. So I am going to go ahead and operate under this assumption: unless told otherwise, everything is fine. I feel I can handle criticism, even rejection - after all I act and write, being able to somehow cope with rejection is, I feel, really the only requirement. This assumption is not based on a particular positive attitude nor on endless trust in my ability to relate to other people. In fact, it comes from quite the opposite. My thoughts, in certain circumstances, don't tend to go to a particularly happy place. Which puts me on edge and prompts me to tiptoe around people, something I truly loathe doing, especially when I enjoy their company - it goes from treat for my being to threat to my shell, and that's not good. I don't need to hear everything, I think right now I don't even need complete transparency and such. What I do need is that if anything IS wrong, for that to be voiced. Because I don not want to live wondering. Guessing. Second guessing. I want to live freely, which at this moment means for me to know that if there was something indeed wrong, or upsetting on any level, or just disembalancing, it would be voiced. And if it isn't being voiced, it's because it's not there. I can take pretty much anything that can be said to me. I have a decent idea of what I am and a passable flexibility about it. My mom always said stretching is important. I guess she was right on various levels. It's pretty hard for me to ask for things. But at this moment I need this, so that I can learn to live what I have without falling into old patterns. As new, freer patterns develop, hopefully I won't need it anymore - that's the idea: to build my own inner support also in this area. Which is what I'm working toward. But for now, this would be really helpful. I don't know it's too much to ask. I do know some people would rather set themselves on fire or take resentment to the grave rather than risking hurting someone, or rather than having the possibility of conflict. But this would hurt me or bring conflict. I would be hurt if I had to wonder and not know, like a limbo of mirrors where I can only see my own suspicion, reflected and enhanced. There would be conflict if I felt or always stayed on the lookout for something off. So. here's my disclaimer for sanity.