three days.

What changed? Fear took over. Why? Because that's how I lived for so long. I managed to overcome it, within me relating to my myself. Literally as soon as I did that, a question came in the form of a girl, can you overcome it when relating to others? And then, like a very catchy chorus, it begged a refrain: can you overcome it in relating to how your aspirations and work are met by the outside world? Fear still takes over automatically. I still can't find the damaged fuse before the lights turn off. But I can find matches and fix it right after, and if that's all I take from my time since I left home, it's worth it. I can't control what goes on outside. I can't control the outside's reactions, be it girl, work, world. I can only see what/where/who/why I am, so that - whatever goes on outside - my reactions, actions will come from Me. Not from fears, nor from projections, protections. Then there is no suffering. Pain, maybe, and all kinds of emotions, a rainbow or greys, blacks, maybe some purples too, some lights - some emerald green? Feelings, but no true suffering.

Post Eighteen: fisting. you knew it was coming.

I wanted to make clear(ish) for me where my life is right now, and seeing how I feel when I say and do things, when I'm there and it's real, is the only way I can know. My thoughts lie so much, but in the present everything that is not true it just peeled away. Because I know where I am, I don't need confirmations, proof, and certainly nothing you don't feel like giving or having, for whatever reason. I don't want to (try and) shape the space around me, I just want to feel/fill mine. I wish to live my life and enjoy it when our lives are parallel, play with one another and decide to intertwine. I believe that, for all of us, if we know where we are, then our horizon is ours to fill, play with, change, let be, as we please. I want to be where I am now, also because (and isn't it nice when that happens) I like it very much, and I like where you are too - not necessarily in relation to me, I mean wherever that is, however it is, because I like you and the articulations, positions and moments of you. Mhhhh, positions of you. Anyway. When we are parallel, we can go anywhere, which doesn't mean everywhere, to me it means in any direction including not moving at all, or a little sideways, or back or forth or wherever it pleases. At least, this is how I feel. For me. It's where I am. The realization of this breath - like freedom, and the realization that maybe I get to share a bit of it with someone I think is quite awesome, make me feel nifty. This of course is meant to be applied to fisting. But interpret it as you please.

post seventeen: happiness

And now I feel better. All those clouds, that had no reason for being there and were just clouds, but felt like rocks, rocks sewn in my skin and forced in my stomach, are gone. They could have taken over. They could have dictate my night, they could have dictated this moment and spread like disease to my spine, they could have spelled who I am with their guttural, half-chewed words. But they are not what I am, they are what I carry, and if I realize that I am carrying them and realize that I don't want to, that they are hurting me and not helping me anymore, I can simply drop them. Now I feel happy, and open, and in touch with what I actually am. above all, I feel grateful. And I can't wait to see you, Carly, not to say anything, but just to see you and read a beautiful syllable of completion for this happiness word that is me right now and that you help me spell. All the rest doesn't matter. You (blank page) and you(carlyface) really helped me see it, thank you, and the rocks don't have to drown me, I can be water.

INNER PAIN-T(H)ING / OUTER PAINTING, sixteenth post.

INNER PAINTING: This kind of sucks. I understand the situation, but Judy is going to be there, so are Jason and Darlene, maybe Bobby, I feel like people get to do what they want, and I have to bite it and give something up, on a day where I could have used some company, laughter and distraction. Maybe again it's a war-flashback of being left out that I kind of felt growing up and I'm taking it way too hard. I do understand, mentally. It's just that emotionally it still registers, maybe also because I'm a bit vulnerable to begin with, today. So maybe this is actually a fair situation, and it's registering differently because my antennae are a bit crooked at the moment, and distort the signal they pick up. I also understand from the perspective of being sort of the newest addition, and having walked into a pre-set situation, which means that I have to be the one making adjustments, at least in the beginning, being the external element. And that's also fair. ACTUAL PAINTING: Maybe I just needed to spread things out in words, see the situation so as to not be clouded by my own emotions, that have a knack for feeding themselves and growing and taking things over unless I am able to observe the reality of the situation and not the reality they paint for me out of the colors I have inside, which are not necessarily the colors used for the outside, so I might end up with an apparently similar but radically different version of the truth. I don't want to do that. PAINTING ANALYSIS (SELF THERAPY, I SUPPOSE): It's really important to me to state how I feel, but also make it very clear that it's NOT a request or a weight to put on others, or someone's responsibility, it's only A STEP IN A PROCESS that allows me to see what's going on in ME, my own history, my own fears and projections and the way they try to take over and dictate what I see. So it's important for me to voice emotions because that way I can see them and take responsibility for them - DISCLAIMER: I ask you and everyone to not take what I say personally, but to just hold up the mirror, just for a moment, and not take those things on or think they say something about you: they don't, they only say something about me. Just know that you are helping me see things I have inside, they are NOT things you do or create, they are things I feel for a bunch of old inner mechanisms that try to always interfere and have their way, and if I can see them, then I can avoid projecting or forcing them on you or others, creating unnecessary and untrue conflict. Thank you for your help. Love.

5.01 am, fifteenth post.

can't sleep. it's not insomnia, it's just that i don't think I've been awake long enough for my body to feel tired. And as nice as it actually is, there's only so much time you can spend staring at the person in your bed. As they, indeed, sleep. I think we had the closest thing to a fight to date, which is a (mostly, though I think I could have handled it better) polite exchange of feelings and opinions about a not supercomfortable topic. I think I learned a lot today. About a lot of things. The main feeling in me right now is the very familiar worry/fear. I think it's some sort of war flashback type of thing: this feeling comes up due to the conversations we had, but then it doesn't go away, it hangs on to me as I hang on to the suspicion that it's not over, that conflicts aren't resolved, that I have to tiptoe and can't relax or things will crash. Though this power blend of shit emotions isn't directly tied to the current situation. It's triggered by it, like a crackling fire triggers war memories -as I was saying- in a psycho veteran. thus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lL6hdi588g *** It's not such a distant past, maybe also because it was (and possibly still is) part of I relate to people: trying to keep them in a happy place starts feeling like a chore though, and I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to enjoy what I have. Which I was managing to do. It's changing now, and I think because feelings are getting more intense. Everything feels considerably more real, colors more subtle, less bright but more varied. I start feeling like I could really let myself be tangled in this, relate to someone in a lot of aspects of my life, which I'm not sure I've actually ever done genuinely and in a sustained, real way. I want to really be in it? A lot of me says yes. Well, something says no right away, but that's my default fear. It would say no to stretching my hand to get the formerly known as plum juice bottle (now just refill water bottle), just to prevent any effort or non-inert movement on my part. A lot of me says I want to be able to get deeper in this, but not slipping back into what I do, I want to be able to enjoy this and live the reality of it with the same -if not more- enthusiasm and openness. *** So maybe that's why I couldn't sleep. Because of the circle of negative thoughts, the power blend of shit that energizes itself to work itself out to become bulkier and have a stronger hold. So tricky, you kinda see it, know what it is just enough to feel like you know it enough not to devote more attention to it, tricking yourself into ignoring it, really, so that it can feed itself better and eat away at you, slowly, not enough to actually raise a red flag, but enough to corrode the edges of your life and maybe try to start spreading to the spine. Now I see it, and realize it's not me, it's not tied to this, but above all since I see it it's no longer a default mechanism, it's something that I CAN CHOOSE TO USE OR NOT. Obviously it set in in the past out of necessity, a creative adjustment to deal with the world, unconscious, and I'm sure it helped me at some point. Thanks. But now it's not helping anymore, it can be a great tool, but not for this, I don't want it to be unconscious, automatic, default anymore. I want to be aware and have an option to use it or not, if doesn't work for me but actually makes me worse. I think I needed this, so thank you, blank page with a creepy glow, like a pale, translucent ghoul hand jerking me off in the dark. Thank you. also: why isn't it letting me dividing things into paragraphs, and it just writes everything all squashed together? and I have to resort to *** to try and separate things?

If we could watch twin peaks on the wall, go for doughnut runs but only when it rains (possibly pours, with possible thunderstorms and lightning like veins, cutting up the grey, dark grey and night navy),be cold with wet clothes so we can take them off and find warmth; if we could make love like last night, just make it, 'cause I don't know that either one of us actually believes in it, in doubt we make it so we can have it; if we could have sex and love laughing possibly not at my dick or at what I say and almost immediately regret, even smiling (sometimes) at the reflections in the window, even though it's more than just a little narcissistic; if I could always feel about myself like you make me feel about me when you turn around, half asleep, and see me, and smile - if I could always feel about myself like I do then; if I could always have the awareness and knowledge and peace I had saturday lying on grass that I swear was breathing and feeling I think what a soul is -which to me is petty new, not 'cause I'm broody, just because there's rubble that needs to be removed- and realizing i want to write you, I want to tell you; if all this were true, at most times and mostly outside time, I think I'd be pretty fucking happy. But then again what the fuck am I saying, "if": it is possible and in fact it IS right now so, you know, that's nice.

fuck you. why are you asking me for the title first? usually first I write, then there's a title. fuck you. Post Fourteen. Fifteen? No, I think Fourteen. Oh sorry, I thought you meant new blog as in new post, but you meant actual new blog. My bad. By the way, it's more like post Eighteen. But out of the numbered ones, Fourteen.

What are my thoughts, here. Am I worried I'm not letting myself feeling what I do feel? Or am I worried I want to feel something and I'm forcing it? The latter doesn't strike me as right. I wish I were in the woods. I wish I had a bucket of rocks, and some twenty paces away a glass bottle. Then I'd know. but the second isn't resonating. The first resonates more, but doesn't feel like struck glass. Glass comes from scolding hot, molten fibers of matter, like lava, ever-moving, always shapeless in their choreography. It breaks when it stops, it's breakable when it becomes rigid, it's not stronger if it hardens, it's exposed and weaker. I think ti works that way for everything. We are virtually invulnerable, at least on a deeper level, as long as we don't identify with an imposed, mind-crafted identity, made of past and in general of Outside, as long as we don't harden in our certainties that we hold on to so we don't feel ever-moving, like lava, which is our true, virtually invulnerable nature. The only way to be actually safe. So to not be ruled by fear I have to not harden, to keep touching what life I have in me, and if you get me closer to it -which you do- I'll keep wanting to touch you, and that's really all I need to know right now.

post 13th. I should have written it friday.

How do you define to yourself the realization of being close to a person?
Is it when seeing them laugh or smile as if from their middle gives you a moment of simple and clear happiness? Is it when you see them in pain and feel empathy and a sort of respect? Is it when you are fine without them, but you notice that you'd b at least as fine, possible better, if you were with them?
Maybe this is just the high. Maybe I don't see cracks and problems, incompatibilities, limitations. Things that will dry everything up when the colors fade. Or maybe being close to a person is the inner acceptance of everything as it unfolds, or rather the will to just be there and accept things as they unfold, without trying to hold anything together specifically, without trying to push for anything, taking pleasure and taking pleasure in giving.
I don't know what I want. I know I'm really happy with what I have.

12th post. Like 12th floor, only different.

Maybe I will start writing on here again.

I suppose since I met you I feel a tad more motivated to live.
Which is actually not sad at all, because I met you in a period where, yes, things fluctuate, but in general I'm really quite happy with where I am. Definitely at peace with it often actually happy. With myself too.
I wish I'd get published, that would really be the utmost pinnacle of existence for me right now. But just staying in the city I love, walking around (sometimes it's even warm out), getting to write and work on things I care about and I feel stimulated and scared and excited by - it's really quite the dream.

Perhaps I wished for someone I could share some things with. I share chicken wings with Mattia. I would never even think of doing that with you.
I share time and thoughts with other part of myself and the tiny, (mostly) affectionate demons I live with.
I'd like to share laughs and some feelings with you.

I suppose this became a letter to you. But don't worry, it will get way more personal.
Thanks for suggesting I'd do this.