I miss Carly.

miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly.

in other news: I might need a hobby.

mantra

When I understand what needs a situation, behavior, pattern, person fulfills in my life, it will stop presenting itself.

(aimed at "negative" things. A broader and probably more accurate way to state that, is that I will have a real choice whether to keep it or let it go, depending on what makes me happier)

identity & possessions, balance & the fight between extremes

disclaimer: this is not about you, baby. or rather, maybe about you, but because about me and what I witness (with some logical leaps trying to follow the line of reasoning into things that are not my own, but i can see being mine of that I neared/risked), and so about you if that's part of who you are, but that's up to you. even the part about birds: I have an irrational hatred for small fluttering animals, I now know it's because part of me feels like one of them, but that's all I mean by it.


Identity (fear of loss of identity, embedded certainty of lack of identity)

-material possessions
we give special unconscious value to things in our lives, as the lack of identity makes look at them as what makes us Us. This becomes attachment to material possessions, so while we have the subconscious urge to attach ourselves to some items, we counterbalance that with a propensity to lose, misplace, or treat poorly other items (or, in some cases, the very same);  it  also translates into placing a lot of emphasis on owning, sometime to the point of hoarding, counterbalanced by bursts of "I'll take all this shit and throw it away" and a craving for space - this can also turn into claustrophobia, or its opposite, agoraphobia, if the subconscious urge or its counterbalancing act reach extremes.

-bodily possessions
for the same reasons above, but spoken through the body-bound language of symbols, we transfer the same value to their symbolic correspectives in ourselves, and attach ourselves, quite literally, to our "shit": the result is intestinal stypsis, spastic colon, colitis, gas, and is counterbalanced with meteorism, propensity to food poisoning and diarrhea; the symbolic transfer also applies to other parts of us, such as: holding on to liquids (water retention), causing bloating, kidney stones, propensity to urinary tract infections, counterbalanced by propensity to sweat or transpire, "leak" liquids in various parts of the body (crying, watery eyes, discharges or overly active genital lubrication); also holding on to other parts of the body, like hair(not wanting to cut it significantly) or facial hair (not wanting to be clean shaven), counterbalanced by outbursts of shaving head or trimming significantly, shaving face; also not wanting to process food (so it doesn't reach the intestine and won't leave) which turns into propensity to indigestion, heartburn, even ulcer or anorexia in extremes, and is counterbalanced by great emphasis on food, gluttony, constant hunger, bulimia in the extreme.

-emotional possessions
for the same reasons, there is also an "hoarding" of emotions, relationships, people: emotions will be held on to, not shared, choked and stacked, with the physical symptoms of breathing-related problems and the emotional symptoms of feeling trapped, anxiety, panic attacks, counterbalanced by forceful outbursts in the form of aggression or emotional breakdowns; people are seen as fragments of a sense of self, together they create a mirror and that mirror is the person's identity, so they will be "collected" to enhance a sense of self, counterbalanced by the urge to keep them at a distance to avoid seeing the self (perceived as "lacking", "bad", "not enough"); loss of a person is seen as loss of self, so there is a need to constantly be in a relationship or not being alone, and to not let go of relationships, counterbalanced by a negative attitude toward relationships (as not letting go causes a cycle of drama and suffering that comes to be identified as what a relationship is), disengagement from other people, actively avoiding other people.

-spiritual possession
When identity is attached to the material world and not to our true, alive nature, there is a struggle: the subconscious, in fear, wants to be symbolically earthbound, while our true self counterbalances that with longing for "air", the symbolical spiritual ground.
So there will be an attractions to earthbound animals (symbolically, the snake is the most earthbound, but also the scorpion or other animals that crawl on the earth) and a rejection of flying animals, seeing as fickle, pointless in their continuous upsetting fluttering: it's the earthbound subconscious that tries to undermine or ridicule the spirit's longing for elevation.
At the same time, this is counterbalanced by a strong pull toward being elevated, more and less literally: standing out, being on top, wanting to be taller, to live higher off the ground, maybe becoming a pilot or someone that chooses a profession or a life situation that makes them travel by plane.

-attention
 "the needy child within exhibits a strong and decisive front for the world"
 (taken from a Flowers of Bach - Heather website)
With lack of identity comes a need for attention - the attention that in the early stages wasn't supposed to create identity, but to reassure the child that WHAT WAS THERE WAS ENOUGH, that it already had an identity that was fully loved and worthwhile and meaningful. When that lacks, comes the constant struggle to create an identity, moving from the inner belief that there isn't one, or that what's there is not enough, so it needs to be filled, enlarged, compiled, with the consequent behaviors above, which in turn create the counterbalancing acts.

All the experiences, memories, possessions, relationships, do not form identity. They form experiences, memories, possessions, relationships that can be lived, appreciated, learned from, enjoyed, by the Living Identity that is already and has always been there.

The strong and decisive front showed to counterbalanced the needy, lost little child, is in fact a forced, unhealthy version of the strong, natural state of identity that is already there, but was never properly acknowledged (or was not perceived as acknowledged by the child- who perceives things not in a rational way and does not differentiate it, reflects upon, understands or analyze things), just like the superior, elevated sense of self shown to the world to counterbalanced the fear and inadequacy is an unhealthy version of the self-assured, free already existing real Identity, just like the caring impulse that makes me take over other people problems and feel responsible for them to counterbalance for my self-absorption and thirst for attention and approval, is the unhealthy version of just being, openly, in touch with Myself therefore in touch with everything, therefore connected and empathetic.

Green Knives.

There is my acquired consciousness. Which is actually in part the subconscious, as referred to in the previous post. So there is this cloud of energy, beliefs, thoughts, that becomes the canvas for my life, and gives me the colors and the models to reproduce. They all come from there. I just hold the paintbrush and paint, me painting is my conscious, which together with the subconscious creates my acquired consciousness. Of course I think I'm choosing the color, and the subjects to portray, but I'm not, my subconscious if feeding them to me, and it will keep feeding them to me until I stop and realize: wait, my subconscious is feeding me there, based on its beliefs and desires, which are inaccurate for me, not true anymore, not real. Only then will i be able to choose the subjects I want to portray and the colors to use.

 But how do I make that realization: by witnessing. By observing, looking at what's there. Me looking at myself doesn't create another me, it simply creates a different conscious, a virgin consciousness, not acquired, that is just there, witnessing what's going on. The act of observing creates this virgin consciousness, feeds it and nourishes it.  And it's this virgin consciousness that allows me to see what goes on inside me not as Me, what I do, but as something that is happening IN me, or that is forced ON me. 

This doesn't mean, for example, that is the subconscious gave me only green to paint with and a knife to portray, I will stop painting green knives. it just means I will know why I'm portraying green knives on a deeper level (before that, the conscious told me I was portraying green knives because I liked them, and I was encountering green knives because, well, that was the situation - but the subconscious was pulling the strings and arranging things so that I would keep encountering and feel like portraying green knives) - and I will have a choice to keep painting them, or look for other colors, or something else to paint.

However, until I take the subconscious and make it conscious - through the observing power of consciousness, that develops with the sheer act of observing and accepting-  I will only encounter green knives, and I will only feel like painting green knives, and what's worse, i'll think it's my only choice, my reality. My life.

And maybe I'll get sick of them, and keep encountering them, and get sicker, and frustrated, and unhappy, and keep encountering them, not understanding it's not a coincidence, not a situation that just happens, but an eternally present bubble I make myself live in mistaking it for the world. 

What survives in the Me that is virgin consciousness-driven, free: everything. Everything that I am.  The acquired consciousness joined in, not longer acquired, hidden, but fuly lit, shining as what it is. All my memories, experiences, all my painting techniques and styles and my paintbrushes and colors are there. Everything. Only, I am now free, I now have access to all of it, I'm not acting something out without the choice, possibility or even awareness that it can be different, I have the possibility to live in the world exercising my true will, with my consciousness fully aligned with life, flowing through me without interferences, debris, hiding spots, dams, undercurrents.

I can use, live, appreciate all my tools, experiences, memories, only not hidden, tarnished, mislead by the subconscious and not repetitively re-enacted by the conscious thinking it's living (while it's just perpetrating invisible commands mistaking them as its own will in  the world). I dont lose any of me, I just gain the ability to see all of me for what it is: a loving, connected, resourceful being with all the colors, canvases, subjects to paint, to create an artwork that becomes a tassel in the mosaic of life gaining awareness of itself - as above so below: as Life does, so we do in our lives, helping it and helping us, our true purpose.

binary system of survival

The child is born, and it should be completely cared for by a mother (protection, nourishment, care) and a father (protection, guidance, care) - or mother/father figures. it should grow with these two core beliefs: I am safe and cared for, and I am loved and acknowledged.
Problem is usually the child develops its understanding of the world on very different believes, gathered interpreting the situation around it while in the mother's belly, and from year one to four (apparently year 0 to 1 doesn't really matter because the child hasn't realized yet that it is alive).

When the child is in utero, it feels everything the mother feels, and everything says strongly to anyone or feels strongly toward anyone, the child takes personally. so if the mother thinks "what the fuck kind of situation did I get myself into, I can't do this, if only I wasn't pregnant I could do this or that" and then maybe yells quite constantly at her husband, or on the other hand isn't very taken with him and doesn't verbalize or shows of deeply feels any strong love or care or affection, the child gets signals like "making the wrong choice makes you regret your life, do not EVER make the wrong choice or you will end up like this (and whenever the child, even when adult, has/wants to do something important, the body actually chokes the adrenal glands, creating tiredness, depression, impossibility to get up, focus, actual sleepiness, all kinds of things - and also on the other hand there's the constant pressure that creates anxiety, inability to enjoy things, to take a break and just be)";

or like "this is my fault" (which brings a feeling of guilt and great responsibility for everything going on around the person n his life); or like "I am not loved, i am not worthy of affection. I am not worthy of care or notice" (which bring lack of identity, hence the desire to live other identities, maybe also being an actor?, feeling very inadequate and insecure, and/or overcompensating for that with aggressive, outcasty, cutting, superior attitudes or beliefs);

or like "relationships only being suffering, so do not have them" (and seeing someone you haven't seen for five years or that you were in school with makes you walk the other wy to avoi contact, same with meeting people in general, relating - also because of not feeling confident enough to have an identity, let alone one that others would find interesting, worthwhile, acknowledge and god forbid appreciate);

or, above all, messages like "this situation is not good. be on guard. always be on guard because things happen and make me suffer. so always be afraid. because fear makes you careful and attentive. always be afraid. of everything. everything is a potential threat", which makes even walk by random people on the street a war that can only be won wearing all black, carrying a knife, staring them down, looking at them with dead or cutting eyes
(LOVE, I'M REALLY NOT SENDING YOU INDIRECT MESSAGES, I AM HONESTLY NOT TRYING TO TALK ABOUT YOU. I KNOW THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT FEEL SOME OF THIS MIGHT APPLY, BUT IT'S NOT AN ATTEMPT TO SUGGEST THINGS ABOUT YOU, JUST TO WRITE, WELL, ABOUT ME AND HOW ABOUT CERTAIN MECHANISMS).

Anyway, where does the binary system of survival come in? Here. The child is born with this already put on him. He feels this is his starting identity, these are the believes that shape the world. his world. which to him is the world, the world that filters the universe into him. chances are that with such a prologue, the first years of the child will be more of the same, or maybe some added shit. anyway, he, and I can possibly drop the he and just say I, I believe these beliefs to be the Truth. Not consciously obviously. But subconsciously, this becomes what shapes my life. And yes, it is true we are all connected, plugged into the the same awareness, the same consciousness(at least I feel and believe so), and all those talks about shaping your life, attracting things and such (what is called traditional magic, basically) are all true: only it's not what we want consciously, what we want to attract, our conscious thoughts that shape our lives, it's the immensely more powerful, more rooted subconscious: it is timeless, it does not deal in present or past but only in now, it's eternally present, subconsiously we are still that child, we still operate according to the same beliefs, we shape the world according to those beliefs, we attract things based on them. why? for survival.

because the child is born and, as said before, his beliefs should be "my parents love me, I am love and worthwhile, it's this love and care that keep me alive, therefore love, care and connection is the key to being and remaining alive, it's what brings me into this world and empowers me to survive". but when these beliefs lack or are not strong enough, they are replaced by other beliefs - for me, the ones stated above.

So the child has these beliefs, and at the same realizes "I AM ALIVE". "I hold this and this and this to be true AND I SURVIVE". which leads to the binary system: "I KEEP DOING THIS, I SURVIVE. THEREFORE IF I STOP I DIE".

that's why we re-enact the same things over and over and over, stuck in that timeless subconscious-shaped world: because we hold that belief system responsible for our survival. My mother didn't do what she was supposed to. Neither did my dad. So the ideal beliefs I was supposed to get, i did not get, I got a different set instead. The only way to be free and just be is to bring all the subconscious beliefs to consciousness, see them understand them, and start sending the message to body, self, everything, that THAT IS NOT REALITY. IT WAS JUST AN INTERPRETATION MADE BY A LITTLE KID

(children until roughly five have no brain hemisphere distinction, there is no logical thought, so if dad is away for work, he isn't away for work, HE IS AWAY FROM ME. and why would he possibly be away from me, unless I made it so?)

 AND NOW CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHANGED, INTERPRETATION HAS CHANGED, EVEN INTERPRETATION OF THOSE ORIGINAL AND ORIGINATING CIRCUMSTANCES HAS CHANGED, I AM A FULLY FUNCTIONAL, INDEPENDENT, SMART ADULT, YET I STILL LIVE, OPERATE, SHAPE MY LIFE BASED ON THE INTERPRETATION OF THE PAST MADE BY A LITTLE KID.

I carry that around with me everywhere, weight of the past (which in traditional chinese medicine apparently reflects in the back, like there is an actual weight on me, responsible for posture, pains and such, on top of the emotional and psychological connotations above). And I keep at it because I associate those belief not only with the only possible truth, but also with the only way of survival.

 It's why I've always picked relationships bound to fail: to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, because I got the core belief that relationshps bring pain, and I survived then, so I associate my surviving with that belief, so I re-enact that same circumstance to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, so I can reinforce my survival.

 It's why I systematically lose all my id documents: because I don't have an identity, I only say yes to whatever people ask, want, more or less directly of me, because I wasn't acknowledged therefore I am not worthwhile of an identity, and I make people go away so i have to keep them by making them happy about me, because they are NOT happy about me. And I have to keep doing this because I was doing this and I was surviving, and if I stop I will die.

I went to America because my mother wanted out when she was pregnant, she wanted to leave, escape, but couldn't because -hey- she was pregnant, and passed all those feelings on to me. All this stuff, all this life, happiness wasted by operating according to completely inaccurate beliefs, all these years lived in a world that doesn't exist but that I trap myself into, and use as the only perspective.

Things have been changing for a long time, accelerating from september on. I do have a relationship that although it may very well end, it's not bound to. And it is with someone that in some ways is very similar to me and every day helps me see myself, like a wonderful, caring mirror, and every day helps me take a little piece of unconscious and bringing it to the light. I have a wonderful therapist, a few excellent books and this witch doctor I met today who are all helping me tremendously.

I don't really know what I am. What my identity is. i feel like the desert, it was sea, it can be completely fertile. for now it's just space. space I want to clear from all the things that I know now are NOT me, and are not my way to survive. and certainly not live. I have been surviving because I am functioning, i eat, I drink, I go on. Not because of my beliefs.
I do get sick because of my beliefs, however. from my body trying to restore the balance. example: 'till a few months ago, I went to the bethroom once every two, three days. and it still happens somehow. why? intestines are associated with identity. not feeling like I have one (for the reasons above), shit becomes my identity. literally.
like it can become, on the outside, cars, houses, clothes, party affiliations, beliefs, whatever. on the inside, all that shit literally becomes shit. and my body does't let go of it, because the body works with symbols and intuition, it replaces lost identity with something that symolizes it and hold on to it - the body does not act on a rational level, so it might be strange to me what the conceptual leap from identity to shit is (and it's not "I am shit". god, at least I hope not), it's just that shit becomes the symbol for identity, which for the body is the thing itself, so it balances everything out: "you don't have identity? no problem, here, hold on to this shit, I mean identity".
handy? yes. and, in a way, exceedingly caring and efficient. actually good for me? no.

I want to live freely. I don't know what will come. I love the glimpses I have had. I do believe that so much of what I have with you, Carly, is part of that glimpse. I just know I want to really bring all this to full light, and though he is and will always be in me, I do not want be dragged around anymore by a scared, lonely child, with the weight and laws of his non-existing world on me and in every part of me.