The infibulating feeling of purposelessness. Is choking me from my spine.
I don't know if it has to do with it being 12.38, and I've been awake for over two hours now ad other than washing myself I've accomplished nothing.
Or maybe with the pressure of engagement. To engage in anything seems like the perfect disease to contract, while I want to ignore and be ignored by all symptoms, especially exposure.
One can die of exposure.

I miss Carly.

miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly.

in other news: I might need a hobby.

mantra

When I understand what needs a situation, behavior, pattern, person fulfills in my life, it will stop presenting itself.

(aimed at "negative" things. A broader and probably more accurate way to state that, is that I will have a real choice whether to keep it or let it go, depending on what makes me happier)

identity & possessions, balance & the fight between extremes

disclaimer: this is not about you, baby. or rather, maybe about you, but because about me and what I witness (with some logical leaps trying to follow the line of reasoning into things that are not my own, but i can see being mine of that I neared/risked), and so about you if that's part of who you are, but that's up to you. even the part about birds: I have an irrational hatred for small fluttering animals, I now know it's because part of me feels like one of them, but that's all I mean by it.


Identity (fear of loss of identity, embedded certainty of lack of identity)

-material possessions
we give special unconscious value to things in our lives, as the lack of identity makes look at them as what makes us Us. This becomes attachment to material possessions, so while we have the subconscious urge to attach ourselves to some items, we counterbalance that with a propensity to lose, misplace, or treat poorly other items (or, in some cases, the very same);  it  also translates into placing a lot of emphasis on owning, sometime to the point of hoarding, counterbalanced by bursts of "I'll take all this shit and throw it away" and a craving for space - this can also turn into claustrophobia, or its opposite, agoraphobia, if the subconscious urge or its counterbalancing act reach extremes.

-bodily possessions
for the same reasons above, but spoken through the body-bound language of symbols, we transfer the same value to their symbolic correspectives in ourselves, and attach ourselves, quite literally, to our "shit": the result is intestinal stypsis, spastic colon, colitis, gas, and is counterbalanced with meteorism, propensity to food poisoning and diarrhea; the symbolic transfer also applies to other parts of us, such as: holding on to liquids (water retention), causing bloating, kidney stones, propensity to urinary tract infections, counterbalanced by propensity to sweat or transpire, "leak" liquids in various parts of the body (crying, watery eyes, discharges or overly active genital lubrication); also holding on to other parts of the body, like hair(not wanting to cut it significantly) or facial hair (not wanting to be clean shaven), counterbalanced by outbursts of shaving head or trimming significantly, shaving face; also not wanting to process food (so it doesn't reach the intestine and won't leave) which turns into propensity to indigestion, heartburn, even ulcer or anorexia in extremes, and is counterbalanced by great emphasis on food, gluttony, constant hunger, bulimia in the extreme.

-emotional possessions
for the same reasons, there is also an "hoarding" of emotions, relationships, people: emotions will be held on to, not shared, choked and stacked, with the physical symptoms of breathing-related problems and the emotional symptoms of feeling trapped, anxiety, panic attacks, counterbalanced by forceful outbursts in the form of aggression or emotional breakdowns; people are seen as fragments of a sense of self, together they create a mirror and that mirror is the person's identity, so they will be "collected" to enhance a sense of self, counterbalanced by the urge to keep them at a distance to avoid seeing the self (perceived as "lacking", "bad", "not enough"); loss of a person is seen as loss of self, so there is a need to constantly be in a relationship or not being alone, and to not let go of relationships, counterbalanced by a negative attitude toward relationships (as not letting go causes a cycle of drama and suffering that comes to be identified as what a relationship is), disengagement from other people, actively avoiding other people.

-spiritual possession
When identity is attached to the material world and not to our true, alive nature, there is a struggle: the subconscious, in fear, wants to be symbolically earthbound, while our true self counterbalances that with longing for "air", the symbolical spiritual ground.
So there will be an attractions to earthbound animals (symbolically, the snake is the most earthbound, but also the scorpion or other animals that crawl on the earth) and a rejection of flying animals, seeing as fickle, pointless in their continuous upsetting fluttering: it's the earthbound subconscious that tries to undermine or ridicule the spirit's longing for elevation.
At the same time, this is counterbalanced by a strong pull toward being elevated, more and less literally: standing out, being on top, wanting to be taller, to live higher off the ground, maybe becoming a pilot or someone that chooses a profession or a life situation that makes them travel by plane.

-attention
 "the needy child within exhibits a strong and decisive front for the world"
 (taken from a Flowers of Bach - Heather website)
With lack of identity comes a need for attention - the attention that in the early stages wasn't supposed to create identity, but to reassure the child that WHAT WAS THERE WAS ENOUGH, that it already had an identity that was fully loved and worthwhile and meaningful. When that lacks, comes the constant struggle to create an identity, moving from the inner belief that there isn't one, or that what's there is not enough, so it needs to be filled, enlarged, compiled, with the consequent behaviors above, which in turn create the counterbalancing acts.

All the experiences, memories, possessions, relationships, do not form identity. They form experiences, memories, possessions, relationships that can be lived, appreciated, learned from, enjoyed, by the Living Identity that is already and has always been there.

The strong and decisive front showed to counterbalanced the needy, lost little child, is in fact a forced, unhealthy version of the strong, natural state of identity that is already there, but was never properly acknowledged (or was not perceived as acknowledged by the child- who perceives things not in a rational way and does not differentiate it, reflects upon, understands or analyze things), just like the superior, elevated sense of self shown to the world to counterbalanced the fear and inadequacy is an unhealthy version of the self-assured, free already existing real Identity, just like the caring impulse that makes me take over other people problems and feel responsible for them to counterbalance for my self-absorption and thirst for attention and approval, is the unhealthy version of just being, openly, in touch with Myself therefore in touch with everything, therefore connected and empathetic.

Green Knives.

There is my acquired consciousness. Which is actually in part the subconscious, as referred to in the previous post. So there is this cloud of energy, beliefs, thoughts, that becomes the canvas for my life, and gives me the colors and the models to reproduce. They all come from there. I just hold the paintbrush and paint, me painting is my conscious, which together with the subconscious creates my acquired consciousness. Of course I think I'm choosing the color, and the subjects to portray, but I'm not, my subconscious if feeding them to me, and it will keep feeding them to me until I stop and realize: wait, my subconscious is feeding me there, based on its beliefs and desires, which are inaccurate for me, not true anymore, not real. Only then will i be able to choose the subjects I want to portray and the colors to use.

 But how do I make that realization: by witnessing. By observing, looking at what's there. Me looking at myself doesn't create another me, it simply creates a different conscious, a virgin consciousness, not acquired, that is just there, witnessing what's going on. The act of observing creates this virgin consciousness, feeds it and nourishes it.  And it's this virgin consciousness that allows me to see what goes on inside me not as Me, what I do, but as something that is happening IN me, or that is forced ON me. 

This doesn't mean, for example, that is the subconscious gave me only green to paint with and a knife to portray, I will stop painting green knives. it just means I will know why I'm portraying green knives on a deeper level (before that, the conscious told me I was portraying green knives because I liked them, and I was encountering green knives because, well, that was the situation - but the subconscious was pulling the strings and arranging things so that I would keep encountering and feel like portraying green knives) - and I will have a choice to keep painting them, or look for other colors, or something else to paint.

However, until I take the subconscious and make it conscious - through the observing power of consciousness, that develops with the sheer act of observing and accepting-  I will only encounter green knives, and I will only feel like painting green knives, and what's worse, i'll think it's my only choice, my reality. My life.

And maybe I'll get sick of them, and keep encountering them, and get sicker, and frustrated, and unhappy, and keep encountering them, not understanding it's not a coincidence, not a situation that just happens, but an eternally present bubble I make myself live in mistaking it for the world. 

What survives in the Me that is virgin consciousness-driven, free: everything. Everything that I am.  The acquired consciousness joined in, not longer acquired, hidden, but fuly lit, shining as what it is. All my memories, experiences, all my painting techniques and styles and my paintbrushes and colors are there. Everything. Only, I am now free, I now have access to all of it, I'm not acting something out without the choice, possibility or even awareness that it can be different, I have the possibility to live in the world exercising my true will, with my consciousness fully aligned with life, flowing through me without interferences, debris, hiding spots, dams, undercurrents.

I can use, live, appreciate all my tools, experiences, memories, only not hidden, tarnished, mislead by the subconscious and not repetitively re-enacted by the conscious thinking it's living (while it's just perpetrating invisible commands mistaking them as its own will in  the world). I dont lose any of me, I just gain the ability to see all of me for what it is: a loving, connected, resourceful being with all the colors, canvases, subjects to paint, to create an artwork that becomes a tassel in the mosaic of life gaining awareness of itself - as above so below: as Life does, so we do in our lives, helping it and helping us, our true purpose.

binary system of survival

The child is born, and it should be completely cared for by a mother (protection, nourishment, care) and a father (protection, guidance, care) - or mother/father figures. it should grow with these two core beliefs: I am safe and cared for, and I am loved and acknowledged.
Problem is usually the child develops its understanding of the world on very different believes, gathered interpreting the situation around it while in the mother's belly, and from year one to four (apparently year 0 to 1 doesn't really matter because the child hasn't realized yet that it is alive).

When the child is in utero, it feels everything the mother feels, and everything says strongly to anyone or feels strongly toward anyone, the child takes personally. so if the mother thinks "what the fuck kind of situation did I get myself into, I can't do this, if only I wasn't pregnant I could do this or that" and then maybe yells quite constantly at her husband, or on the other hand isn't very taken with him and doesn't verbalize or shows of deeply feels any strong love or care or affection, the child gets signals like "making the wrong choice makes you regret your life, do not EVER make the wrong choice or you will end up like this (and whenever the child, even when adult, has/wants to do something important, the body actually chokes the adrenal glands, creating tiredness, depression, impossibility to get up, focus, actual sleepiness, all kinds of things - and also on the other hand there's the constant pressure that creates anxiety, inability to enjoy things, to take a break and just be)";

or like "this is my fault" (which brings a feeling of guilt and great responsibility for everything going on around the person n his life); or like "I am not loved, i am not worthy of affection. I am not worthy of care or notice" (which bring lack of identity, hence the desire to live other identities, maybe also being an actor?, feeling very inadequate and insecure, and/or overcompensating for that with aggressive, outcasty, cutting, superior attitudes or beliefs);

or like "relationships only being suffering, so do not have them" (and seeing someone you haven't seen for five years or that you were in school with makes you walk the other wy to avoi contact, same with meeting people in general, relating - also because of not feeling confident enough to have an identity, let alone one that others would find interesting, worthwhile, acknowledge and god forbid appreciate);

or, above all, messages like "this situation is not good. be on guard. always be on guard because things happen and make me suffer. so always be afraid. because fear makes you careful and attentive. always be afraid. of everything. everything is a potential threat", which makes even walk by random people on the street a war that can only be won wearing all black, carrying a knife, staring them down, looking at them with dead or cutting eyes
(LOVE, I'M REALLY NOT SENDING YOU INDIRECT MESSAGES, I AM HONESTLY NOT TRYING TO TALK ABOUT YOU. I KNOW THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT FEEL SOME OF THIS MIGHT APPLY, BUT IT'S NOT AN ATTEMPT TO SUGGEST THINGS ABOUT YOU, JUST TO WRITE, WELL, ABOUT ME AND HOW ABOUT CERTAIN MECHANISMS).

Anyway, where does the binary system of survival come in? Here. The child is born with this already put on him. He feels this is his starting identity, these are the believes that shape the world. his world. which to him is the world, the world that filters the universe into him. chances are that with such a prologue, the first years of the child will be more of the same, or maybe some added shit. anyway, he, and I can possibly drop the he and just say I, I believe these beliefs to be the Truth. Not consciously obviously. But subconsciously, this becomes what shapes my life. And yes, it is true we are all connected, plugged into the the same awareness, the same consciousness(at least I feel and believe so), and all those talks about shaping your life, attracting things and such (what is called traditional magic, basically) are all true: only it's not what we want consciously, what we want to attract, our conscious thoughts that shape our lives, it's the immensely more powerful, more rooted subconscious: it is timeless, it does not deal in present or past but only in now, it's eternally present, subconsiously we are still that child, we still operate according to the same beliefs, we shape the world according to those beliefs, we attract things based on them. why? for survival.

because the child is born and, as said before, his beliefs should be "my parents love me, I am love and worthwhile, it's this love and care that keep me alive, therefore love, care and connection is the key to being and remaining alive, it's what brings me into this world and empowers me to survive". but when these beliefs lack or are not strong enough, they are replaced by other beliefs - for me, the ones stated above.

So the child has these beliefs, and at the same realizes "I AM ALIVE". "I hold this and this and this to be true AND I SURVIVE". which leads to the binary system: "I KEEP DOING THIS, I SURVIVE. THEREFORE IF I STOP I DIE".

that's why we re-enact the same things over and over and over, stuck in that timeless subconscious-shaped world: because we hold that belief system responsible for our survival. My mother didn't do what she was supposed to. Neither did my dad. So the ideal beliefs I was supposed to get, i did not get, I got a different set instead. The only way to be free and just be is to bring all the subconscious beliefs to consciousness, see them understand them, and start sending the message to body, self, everything, that THAT IS NOT REALITY. IT WAS JUST AN INTERPRETATION MADE BY A LITTLE KID

(children until roughly five have no brain hemisphere distinction, there is no logical thought, so if dad is away for work, he isn't away for work, HE IS AWAY FROM ME. and why would he possibly be away from me, unless I made it so?)

 AND NOW CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHANGED, INTERPRETATION HAS CHANGED, EVEN INTERPRETATION OF THOSE ORIGINAL AND ORIGINATING CIRCUMSTANCES HAS CHANGED, I AM A FULLY FUNCTIONAL, INDEPENDENT, SMART ADULT, YET I STILL LIVE, OPERATE, SHAPE MY LIFE BASED ON THE INTERPRETATION OF THE PAST MADE BY A LITTLE KID.

I carry that around with me everywhere, weight of the past (which in traditional chinese medicine apparently reflects in the back, like there is an actual weight on me, responsible for posture, pains and such, on top of the emotional and psychological connotations above). And I keep at it because I associate those belief not only with the only possible truth, but also with the only way of survival.

 It's why I've always picked relationships bound to fail: to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, because I got the core belief that relationshps bring pain, and I survived then, so I associate my surviving with that belief, so I re-enact that same circumstance to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, so I can reinforce my survival.

 It's why I systematically lose all my id documents: because I don't have an identity, I only say yes to whatever people ask, want, more or less directly of me, because I wasn't acknowledged therefore I am not worthwhile of an identity, and I make people go away so i have to keep them by making them happy about me, because they are NOT happy about me. And I have to keep doing this because I was doing this and I was surviving, and if I stop I will die.

I went to America because my mother wanted out when she was pregnant, she wanted to leave, escape, but couldn't because -hey- she was pregnant, and passed all those feelings on to me. All this stuff, all this life, happiness wasted by operating according to completely inaccurate beliefs, all these years lived in a world that doesn't exist but that I trap myself into, and use as the only perspective.

Things have been changing for a long time, accelerating from september on. I do have a relationship that although it may very well end, it's not bound to. And it is with someone that in some ways is very similar to me and every day helps me see myself, like a wonderful, caring mirror, and every day helps me take a little piece of unconscious and bringing it to the light. I have a wonderful therapist, a few excellent books and this witch doctor I met today who are all helping me tremendously.

I don't really know what I am. What my identity is. i feel like the desert, it was sea, it can be completely fertile. for now it's just space. space I want to clear from all the things that I know now are NOT me, and are not my way to survive. and certainly not live. I have been surviving because I am functioning, i eat, I drink, I go on. Not because of my beliefs.
I do get sick because of my beliefs, however. from my body trying to restore the balance. example: 'till a few months ago, I went to the bethroom once every two, three days. and it still happens somehow. why? intestines are associated with identity. not feeling like I have one (for the reasons above), shit becomes my identity. literally.
like it can become, on the outside, cars, houses, clothes, party affiliations, beliefs, whatever. on the inside, all that shit literally becomes shit. and my body does't let go of it, because the body works with symbols and intuition, it replaces lost identity with something that symolizes it and hold on to it - the body does not act on a rational level, so it might be strange to me what the conceptual leap from identity to shit is (and it's not "I am shit". god, at least I hope not), it's just that shit becomes the symbol for identity, which for the body is the thing itself, so it balances everything out: "you don't have identity? no problem, here, hold on to this shit, I mean identity".
handy? yes. and, in a way, exceedingly caring and efficient. actually good for me? no.

I want to live freely. I don't know what will come. I love the glimpses I have had. I do believe that so much of what I have with you, Carly, is part of that glimpse. I just know I want to really bring all this to full light, and though he is and will always be in me, I do not want be dragged around anymore by a scared, lonely child, with the weight and laws of his non-existing world on me and in every part of me.

a day at the lake, a day at the beach.

I need some sort of contact with you, words are not enough, probably seeing you won't be enough either- I mean, even when I'm with you it's not enough really I feel like I want to be inside your skin- but I guess whatever we can get will have to do. I don't know if I can love you the way I think you deserve, i don't know if I can love you enough to make you truly happy, and for us both to be truly happy. I do know that you surprise me. I do know that I love being surprised by you, and by m in relation to you. I hope the sun is treating you nicely. On my part, i think i got sunburnt today. why do I write here instead of directly to you? Because though nobody reads this, I like the idea of it being out there, in public. Same reason why I really wanted to have sex in Bryant Park, i guess, or that I didn't care one bit about the huge windows in your boss' office. It's a bit of that. And a bit of letting the inside come through toward the outside, something I very much -with certain things- refrain from doing. As you know. Anyway. Love.

world of ocean, world of sand.

this all matters in a way, it certainly all touches me, in a way. To deny that, is lying. But to give it the power and significance to define my reality, that's also ling. It only touches the surface, form-like, time-bound me. To try and find my true identity based on this, on "reality" and my life, is like trying to enclose an ocean in a sandbox. The ocean is what really matters, what rally nourishes me and defines me. Every over sand form lives in the world of sand, not in the world of ocean. It can trick but it cannot fill, define or nourish the world of ocean.

personal

Trust. For me to believe that what you say is what you mean, what you want, that it's not coming out of any obligation or responsibility, because that is a burden and an uncertainty I cannot take. For you to believe the same, because we both deserve to be able to move freely with one another and relate on a transparent, even keel, where caring doesn't mean trying to carry the other person, but give them full credit that they can handle, protect, carry themselves. While knowing that we are always there for one another. To live freely, parallel, without keeping ourselves or trying to keep the other person there. I really want that. That freedom, that love, that trust. I would love to have it with you. Also, I just wanted to say one thing. When last night you said that you're doing nothing with your life so at least you want to support people that do stuff that is worthwhile, and that's who you are... I mean, I tink it's wonderful that you are so supportive, and I wish there where more people like you. Hell, I wish I had more people like you in my life, especially growing up. But I also think that what you have inside, not related to anything else, that is incredibly worthwhile, one of the most worthwhile things I have personally encountered in my life. It's why I love you, or at least a big part. I think you're wonderful, and yes, it's partially because you're caring, and sweet, and really funny and clever and talented, and hot. But that's just an "external" part, which to me feels like a beautiful fresco on a beautiful, vast, almost magical room. What I believe I see and feel inside you, the life you have inside you, the depth and ways in which you are connected to life and yourself, to me that's incredibly precious and worthwhile. I think you are a treasure and have a treasure inside. I feel immensely grateful to be just near that, to have that in my life. I just hope that you give yourself the credit I think you deserve for all you do, but also for all you are. Because it's beautiful. And very powerful, and I feel privileged that you decide to share whatever part of it with me. I'm not saying this to cheer you up or anything. I just believe it,and you know I have issues with shutting about my opinions. I hope this doesn't upset you. If it does, please let me know. And if it does, I apologize in advance. Otherwise you don't have to reply or anything. I love you. Also, I don't know if this is too personal to be on a blog. i will take it down if you prefer. The only reason why I posted it here instead of sending it to you, is that I didn't want to burden you with it. I didn't want this to intrude in your day if its not a good moment, and I thought this is something you ca access when/if you feel like it. Love.

Twenty: Vynl

I used to like having such strong, thunderstormy feelings. Now I'm quite wary of them, as they usually mean I'm projecting or just lying to myself in various degrees. Which is why it's so surprising when I find them back inside me, this love, jumping at me from reality, almost blind-siding me. Enticing me all over again. Like Life, I guess, always the same, always Itself in each single pattern, every movement completely not new yet so fully present, real that it is anew - so are these creeping, possibly creepy feelings: I know them, I know what they are, but each time they happen again I find them, find me in them, them in me and all that. They surprise me by being exactly themselves. Which is why they are surprising: because, for me, to actually feel this way is quite surprising. Even more so when it slithers out of reality like breath, like a paper snake in sand. With such ease, it feels like they are made of the same grains, paper and sand, such ease but such thoroughly carnal texture, like sandpaper softly on skin. It's where safety and excitement, movement and space meet, for me. Which is the moment I am with you.

post nineteen. garlic and wine.

There's only one cloud of imagination, anticipation, glue of emotions and scraps of new (recent) memories and new (future) memories. And it tells me about you, about tomorrow night, having dinner and you. Being with you. Who would hae guessed that it can be so simple to be happy.

Accuracy

The true essence of all that exists, including (and especially) us, is like a pencil trait. If we are conscious of it, we will help draw the Unmanifested. The Unmanifested manifests itself through us, through everything, it draws Itself as (while) it sees Itself, so it can know Itself. To say that the world, our personalities -our mind-made, world-made fears, passions, desires- our form, all forms IN THEMSELVES are the reality, to say that they actually matter, is not very accurate. To say that our world, our lives have no meaning, that's also not very accurate. To say that everything is important and has its place, its space, because it is a manifestation of God and points us toward transcending each form and ourselves back to God, back to our true nature, is, I think, closer to accuracy. "Without illusion there can be no truth". Without forms, the Unmanifested wouldn't exist. Confined in forms, the Unmanifested, the Truth, can't be known. Understanding the forms, their true essence, and therefore transcending form, the Unmanifested returns to Itslef: It with us, Us with it. One that is everything, including 0. As we are one, any number is an illusion that points back at the 0/1.

a disclaimer for sanity

So. I feel things are actually going well. Like, very. I met someone incredibly intelligent, and funny, and caring, with such talent and sheer beauty inside. Also, like, outside. Someone that I get to spend time with, who seems quite taken by me, and who I am taken with, too. / I have a good friend, talented and funny loyal, that I get to work with on a good project. / There's weather, outside, that lets me get sunburnt in the park listening to homeless people arguing about lyrics to an old song (papa was a rollin' stone). So, things are going well. Which means that sometimes (hopefully most of the times) I am able to live them and enjoy them, and find nourishment and inspiration in them. Sometimes I find myself double-guessing this sneaky happiness feeling, feeling me up in all my special places like a rapy ninja. So I am going to go ahead and operate under this assumption: unless told otherwise, everything is fine. I feel I can handle criticism, even rejection - after all I act and write, being able to somehow cope with rejection is, I feel, really the only requirement. This assumption is not based on a particular positive attitude nor on endless trust in my ability to relate to other people. In fact, it comes from quite the opposite. My thoughts, in certain circumstances, don't tend to go to a particularly happy place. Which puts me on edge and prompts me to tiptoe around people, something I truly loathe doing, especially when I enjoy their company - it goes from treat for my being to threat to my shell, and that's not good. I don't need to hear everything, I think right now I don't even need complete transparency and such. What I do need is that if anything IS wrong, for that to be voiced. Because I don not want to live wondering. Guessing. Second guessing. I want to live freely, which at this moment means for me to know that if there was something indeed wrong, or upsetting on any level, or just disembalancing, it would be voiced. And if it isn't being voiced, it's because it's not there. I can take pretty much anything that can be said to me. I have a decent idea of what I am and a passable flexibility about it. My mom always said stretching is important. I guess she was right on various levels. It's pretty hard for me to ask for things. But at this moment I need this, so that I can learn to live what I have without falling into old patterns. As new, freer patterns develop, hopefully I won't need it anymore - that's the idea: to build my own inner support also in this area. Which is what I'm working toward. But for now, this would be really helpful. I don't know it's too much to ask. I do know some people would rather set themselves on fire or take resentment to the grave rather than risking hurting someone, or rather than having the possibility of conflict. But this would hurt me or bring conflict. I would be hurt if I had to wonder and not know, like a limbo of mirrors where I can only see my own suspicion, reflected and enhanced. There would be conflict if I felt or always stayed on the lookout for something off. So. here's my disclaimer for sanity.

three days.

What changed? Fear took over. Why? Because that's how I lived for so long. I managed to overcome it, within me relating to my myself. Literally as soon as I did that, a question came in the form of a girl, can you overcome it when relating to others? And then, like a very catchy chorus, it begged a refrain: can you overcome it in relating to how your aspirations and work are met by the outside world? Fear still takes over automatically. I still can't find the damaged fuse before the lights turn off. But I can find matches and fix it right after, and if that's all I take from my time since I left home, it's worth it. I can't control what goes on outside. I can't control the outside's reactions, be it girl, work, world. I can only see what/where/who/why I am, so that - whatever goes on outside - my reactions, actions will come from Me. Not from fears, nor from projections, protections. Then there is no suffering. Pain, maybe, and all kinds of emotions, a rainbow or greys, blacks, maybe some purples too, some lights - some emerald green? Feelings, but no true suffering.

Post Eighteen: fisting. you knew it was coming.

I wanted to make clear(ish) for me where my life is right now, and seeing how I feel when I say and do things, when I'm there and it's real, is the only way I can know. My thoughts lie so much, but in the present everything that is not true it just peeled away. Because I know where I am, I don't need confirmations, proof, and certainly nothing you don't feel like giving or having, for whatever reason. I don't want to (try and) shape the space around me, I just want to feel/fill mine. I wish to live my life and enjoy it when our lives are parallel, play with one another and decide to intertwine. I believe that, for all of us, if we know where we are, then our horizon is ours to fill, play with, change, let be, as we please. I want to be where I am now, also because (and isn't it nice when that happens) I like it very much, and I like where you are too - not necessarily in relation to me, I mean wherever that is, however it is, because I like you and the articulations, positions and moments of you. Mhhhh, positions of you. Anyway. When we are parallel, we can go anywhere, which doesn't mean everywhere, to me it means in any direction including not moving at all, or a little sideways, or back or forth or wherever it pleases. At least, this is how I feel. For me. It's where I am. The realization of this breath - like freedom, and the realization that maybe I get to share a bit of it with someone I think is quite awesome, make me feel nifty. This of course is meant to be applied to fisting. But interpret it as you please.

post seventeen: happiness

And now I feel better. All those clouds, that had no reason for being there and were just clouds, but felt like rocks, rocks sewn in my skin and forced in my stomach, are gone. They could have taken over. They could have dictate my night, they could have dictated this moment and spread like disease to my spine, they could have spelled who I am with their guttural, half-chewed words. But they are not what I am, they are what I carry, and if I realize that I am carrying them and realize that I don't want to, that they are hurting me and not helping me anymore, I can simply drop them. Now I feel happy, and open, and in touch with what I actually am. above all, I feel grateful. And I can't wait to see you, Carly, not to say anything, but just to see you and read a beautiful syllable of completion for this happiness word that is me right now and that you help me spell. All the rest doesn't matter. You (blank page) and you(carlyface) really helped me see it, thank you, and the rocks don't have to drown me, I can be water.

INNER PAIN-T(H)ING / OUTER PAINTING, sixteenth post.

INNER PAINTING: This kind of sucks. I understand the situation, but Judy is going to be there, so are Jason and Darlene, maybe Bobby, I feel like people get to do what they want, and I have to bite it and give something up, on a day where I could have used some company, laughter and distraction. Maybe again it's a war-flashback of being left out that I kind of felt growing up and I'm taking it way too hard. I do understand, mentally. It's just that emotionally it still registers, maybe also because I'm a bit vulnerable to begin with, today. So maybe this is actually a fair situation, and it's registering differently because my antennae are a bit crooked at the moment, and distort the signal they pick up. I also understand from the perspective of being sort of the newest addition, and having walked into a pre-set situation, which means that I have to be the one making adjustments, at least in the beginning, being the external element. And that's also fair. ACTUAL PAINTING: Maybe I just needed to spread things out in words, see the situation so as to not be clouded by my own emotions, that have a knack for feeding themselves and growing and taking things over unless I am able to observe the reality of the situation and not the reality they paint for me out of the colors I have inside, which are not necessarily the colors used for the outside, so I might end up with an apparently similar but radically different version of the truth. I don't want to do that. PAINTING ANALYSIS (SELF THERAPY, I SUPPOSE): It's really important to me to state how I feel, but also make it very clear that it's NOT a request or a weight to put on others, or someone's responsibility, it's only A STEP IN A PROCESS that allows me to see what's going on in ME, my own history, my own fears and projections and the way they try to take over and dictate what I see. So it's important for me to voice emotions because that way I can see them and take responsibility for them - DISCLAIMER: I ask you and everyone to not take what I say personally, but to just hold up the mirror, just for a moment, and not take those things on or think they say something about you: they don't, they only say something about me. Just know that you are helping me see things I have inside, they are NOT things you do or create, they are things I feel for a bunch of old inner mechanisms that try to always interfere and have their way, and if I can see them, then I can avoid projecting or forcing them on you or others, creating unnecessary and untrue conflict. Thank you for your help. Love.

5.01 am, fifteenth post.

can't sleep. it's not insomnia, it's just that i don't think I've been awake long enough for my body to feel tired. And as nice as it actually is, there's only so much time you can spend staring at the person in your bed. As they, indeed, sleep. I think we had the closest thing to a fight to date, which is a (mostly, though I think I could have handled it better) polite exchange of feelings and opinions about a not supercomfortable topic. I think I learned a lot today. About a lot of things. The main feeling in me right now is the very familiar worry/fear. I think it's some sort of war flashback type of thing: this feeling comes up due to the conversations we had, but then it doesn't go away, it hangs on to me as I hang on to the suspicion that it's not over, that conflicts aren't resolved, that I have to tiptoe and can't relax or things will crash. Though this power blend of shit emotions isn't directly tied to the current situation. It's triggered by it, like a crackling fire triggers war memories -as I was saying- in a psycho veteran. thus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lL6hdi588g *** It's not such a distant past, maybe also because it was (and possibly still is) part of I relate to people: trying to keep them in a happy place starts feeling like a chore though, and I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to enjoy what I have. Which I was managing to do. It's changing now, and I think because feelings are getting more intense. Everything feels considerably more real, colors more subtle, less bright but more varied. I start feeling like I could really let myself be tangled in this, relate to someone in a lot of aspects of my life, which I'm not sure I've actually ever done genuinely and in a sustained, real way. I want to really be in it? A lot of me says yes. Well, something says no right away, but that's my default fear. It would say no to stretching my hand to get the formerly known as plum juice bottle (now just refill water bottle), just to prevent any effort or non-inert movement on my part. A lot of me says I want to be able to get deeper in this, but not slipping back into what I do, I want to be able to enjoy this and live the reality of it with the same -if not more- enthusiasm and openness. *** So maybe that's why I couldn't sleep. Because of the circle of negative thoughts, the power blend of shit that energizes itself to work itself out to become bulkier and have a stronger hold. So tricky, you kinda see it, know what it is just enough to feel like you know it enough not to devote more attention to it, tricking yourself into ignoring it, really, so that it can feed itself better and eat away at you, slowly, not enough to actually raise a red flag, but enough to corrode the edges of your life and maybe try to start spreading to the spine. Now I see it, and realize it's not me, it's not tied to this, but above all since I see it it's no longer a default mechanism, it's something that I CAN CHOOSE TO USE OR NOT. Obviously it set in in the past out of necessity, a creative adjustment to deal with the world, unconscious, and I'm sure it helped me at some point. Thanks. But now it's not helping anymore, it can be a great tool, but not for this, I don't want it to be unconscious, automatic, default anymore. I want to be aware and have an option to use it or not, if doesn't work for me but actually makes me worse. I think I needed this, so thank you, blank page with a creepy glow, like a pale, translucent ghoul hand jerking me off in the dark. Thank you. also: why isn't it letting me dividing things into paragraphs, and it just writes everything all squashed together? and I have to resort to *** to try and separate things?

If we could watch twin peaks on the wall, go for doughnut runs but only when it rains (possibly pours, with possible thunderstorms and lightning like veins, cutting up the grey, dark grey and night navy),be cold with wet clothes so we can take them off and find warmth; if we could make love like last night, just make it, 'cause I don't know that either one of us actually believes in it, in doubt we make it so we can have it; if we could have sex and love laughing possibly not at my dick or at what I say and almost immediately regret, even smiling (sometimes) at the reflections in the window, even though it's more than just a little narcissistic; if I could always feel about myself like you make me feel about me when you turn around, half asleep, and see me, and smile - if I could always feel about myself like I do then; if I could always have the awareness and knowledge and peace I had saturday lying on grass that I swear was breathing and feeling I think what a soul is -which to me is petty new, not 'cause I'm broody, just because there's rubble that needs to be removed- and realizing i want to write you, I want to tell you; if all this were true, at most times and mostly outside time, I think I'd be pretty fucking happy. But then again what the fuck am I saying, "if": it is possible and in fact it IS right now so, you know, that's nice.

fuck you. why are you asking me for the title first? usually first I write, then there's a title. fuck you. Post Fourteen. Fifteen? No, I think Fourteen. Oh sorry, I thought you meant new blog as in new post, but you meant actual new blog. My bad. By the way, it's more like post Eighteen. But out of the numbered ones, Fourteen.

What are my thoughts, here. Am I worried I'm not letting myself feeling what I do feel? Or am I worried I want to feel something and I'm forcing it? The latter doesn't strike me as right. I wish I were in the woods. I wish I had a bucket of rocks, and some twenty paces away a glass bottle. Then I'd know. but the second isn't resonating. The first resonates more, but doesn't feel like struck glass. Glass comes from scolding hot, molten fibers of matter, like lava, ever-moving, always shapeless in their choreography. It breaks when it stops, it's breakable when it becomes rigid, it's not stronger if it hardens, it's exposed and weaker. I think ti works that way for everything. We are virtually invulnerable, at least on a deeper level, as long as we don't identify with an imposed, mind-crafted identity, made of past and in general of Outside, as long as we don't harden in our certainties that we hold on to so we don't feel ever-moving, like lava, which is our true, virtually invulnerable nature. The only way to be actually safe. So to not be ruled by fear I have to not harden, to keep touching what life I have in me, and if you get me closer to it -which you do- I'll keep wanting to touch you, and that's really all I need to know right now.

post 13th. I should have written it friday.

How do you define to yourself the realization of being close to a person?
Is it when seeing them laugh or smile as if from their middle gives you a moment of simple and clear happiness? Is it when you see them in pain and feel empathy and a sort of respect? Is it when you are fine without them, but you notice that you'd b at least as fine, possible better, if you were with them?
Maybe this is just the high. Maybe I don't see cracks and problems, incompatibilities, limitations. Things that will dry everything up when the colors fade. Or maybe being close to a person is the inner acceptance of everything as it unfolds, or rather the will to just be there and accept things as they unfold, without trying to hold anything together specifically, without trying to push for anything, taking pleasure and taking pleasure in giving.
I don't know what I want. I know I'm really happy with what I have.

12th post. Like 12th floor, only different.

Maybe I will start writing on here again.

I suppose since I met you I feel a tad more motivated to live.
Which is actually not sad at all, because I met you in a period where, yes, things fluctuate, but in general I'm really quite happy with where I am. Definitely at peace with it often actually happy. With myself too.
I wish I'd get published, that would really be the utmost pinnacle of existence for me right now. But just staying in the city I love, walking around (sometimes it's even warm out), getting to write and work on things I care about and I feel stimulated and scared and excited by - it's really quite the dream.

Perhaps I wished for someone I could share some things with. I share chicken wings with Mattia. I would never even think of doing that with you.
I share time and thoughts with other part of myself and the tiny, (mostly) affectionate demons I live with.
I'd like to share laughs and some feelings with you.

I suppose this became a letter to you. But don't worry, it will get way more personal.
Thanks for suggesting I'd do this.