personal

Trust. For me to believe that what you say is what you mean, what you want, that it's not coming out of any obligation or responsibility, because that is a burden and an uncertainty I cannot take. For you to believe the same, because we both deserve to be able to move freely with one another and relate on a transparent, even keel, where caring doesn't mean trying to carry the other person, but give them full credit that they can handle, protect, carry themselves. While knowing that we are always there for one another. To live freely, parallel, without keeping ourselves or trying to keep the other person there. I really want that. That freedom, that love, that trust. I would love to have it with you. Also, I just wanted to say one thing. When last night you said that you're doing nothing with your life so at least you want to support people that do stuff that is worthwhile, and that's who you are... I mean, I tink it's wonderful that you are so supportive, and I wish there where more people like you. Hell, I wish I had more people like you in my life, especially growing up. But I also think that what you have inside, not related to anything else, that is incredibly worthwhile, one of the most worthwhile things I have personally encountered in my life. It's why I love you, or at least a big part. I think you're wonderful, and yes, it's partially because you're caring, and sweet, and really funny and clever and talented, and hot. But that's just an "external" part, which to me feels like a beautiful fresco on a beautiful, vast, almost magical room. What I believe I see and feel inside you, the life you have inside you, the depth and ways in which you are connected to life and yourself, to me that's incredibly precious and worthwhile. I think you are a treasure and have a treasure inside. I feel immensely grateful to be just near that, to have that in my life. I just hope that you give yourself the credit I think you deserve for all you do, but also for all you are. Because it's beautiful. And very powerful, and I feel privileged that you decide to share whatever part of it with me. I'm not saying this to cheer you up or anything. I just believe it,and you know I have issues with shutting about my opinions. I hope this doesn't upset you. If it does, please let me know. And if it does, I apologize in advance. Otherwise you don't have to reply or anything. I love you. Also, I don't know if this is too personal to be on a blog. i will take it down if you prefer. The only reason why I posted it here instead of sending it to you, is that I didn't want to burden you with it. I didn't want this to intrude in your day if its not a good moment, and I thought this is something you ca access when/if you feel like it. Love.

Twenty: Vynl

I used to like having such strong, thunderstormy feelings. Now I'm quite wary of them, as they usually mean I'm projecting or just lying to myself in various degrees. Which is why it's so surprising when I find them back inside me, this love, jumping at me from reality, almost blind-siding me. Enticing me all over again. Like Life, I guess, always the same, always Itself in each single pattern, every movement completely not new yet so fully present, real that it is anew - so are these creeping, possibly creepy feelings: I know them, I know what they are, but each time they happen again I find them, find me in them, them in me and all that. They surprise me by being exactly themselves. Which is why they are surprising: because, for me, to actually feel this way is quite surprising. Even more so when it slithers out of reality like breath, like a paper snake in sand. With such ease, it feels like they are made of the same grains, paper and sand, such ease but such thoroughly carnal texture, like sandpaper softly on skin. It's where safety and excitement, movement and space meet, for me. Which is the moment I am with you.

post nineteen. garlic and wine.

There's only one cloud of imagination, anticipation, glue of emotions and scraps of new (recent) memories and new (future) memories. And it tells me about you, about tomorrow night, having dinner and you. Being with you. Who would hae guessed that it can be so simple to be happy.

Accuracy

The true essence of all that exists, including (and especially) us, is like a pencil trait. If we are conscious of it, we will help draw the Unmanifested. The Unmanifested manifests itself through us, through everything, it draws Itself as (while) it sees Itself, so it can know Itself. To say that the world, our personalities -our mind-made, world-made fears, passions, desires- our form, all forms IN THEMSELVES are the reality, to say that they actually matter, is not very accurate. To say that our world, our lives have no meaning, that's also not very accurate. To say that everything is important and has its place, its space, because it is a manifestation of God and points us toward transcending each form and ourselves back to God, back to our true nature, is, I think, closer to accuracy. "Without illusion there can be no truth". Without forms, the Unmanifested wouldn't exist. Confined in forms, the Unmanifested, the Truth, can't be known. Understanding the forms, their true essence, and therefore transcending form, the Unmanifested returns to Itslef: It with us, Us with it. One that is everything, including 0. As we are one, any number is an illusion that points back at the 0/1.

a disclaimer for sanity

So. I feel things are actually going well. Like, very. I met someone incredibly intelligent, and funny, and caring, with such talent and sheer beauty inside. Also, like, outside. Someone that I get to spend time with, who seems quite taken by me, and who I am taken with, too. / I have a good friend, talented and funny loyal, that I get to work with on a good project. / There's weather, outside, that lets me get sunburnt in the park listening to homeless people arguing about lyrics to an old song (papa was a rollin' stone). So, things are going well. Which means that sometimes (hopefully most of the times) I am able to live them and enjoy them, and find nourishment and inspiration in them. Sometimes I find myself double-guessing this sneaky happiness feeling, feeling me up in all my special places like a rapy ninja. So I am going to go ahead and operate under this assumption: unless told otherwise, everything is fine. I feel I can handle criticism, even rejection - after all I act and write, being able to somehow cope with rejection is, I feel, really the only requirement. This assumption is not based on a particular positive attitude nor on endless trust in my ability to relate to other people. In fact, it comes from quite the opposite. My thoughts, in certain circumstances, don't tend to go to a particularly happy place. Which puts me on edge and prompts me to tiptoe around people, something I truly loathe doing, especially when I enjoy their company - it goes from treat for my being to threat to my shell, and that's not good. I don't need to hear everything, I think right now I don't even need complete transparency and such. What I do need is that if anything IS wrong, for that to be voiced. Because I don not want to live wondering. Guessing. Second guessing. I want to live freely, which at this moment means for me to know that if there was something indeed wrong, or upsetting on any level, or just disembalancing, it would be voiced. And if it isn't being voiced, it's because it's not there. I can take pretty much anything that can be said to me. I have a decent idea of what I am and a passable flexibility about it. My mom always said stretching is important. I guess she was right on various levels. It's pretty hard for me to ask for things. But at this moment I need this, so that I can learn to live what I have without falling into old patterns. As new, freer patterns develop, hopefully I won't need it anymore - that's the idea: to build my own inner support also in this area. Which is what I'm working toward. But for now, this would be really helpful. I don't know it's too much to ask. I do know some people would rather set themselves on fire or take resentment to the grave rather than risking hurting someone, or rather than having the possibility of conflict. But this would hurt me or bring conflict. I would be hurt if I had to wonder and not know, like a limbo of mirrors where I can only see my own suspicion, reflected and enhanced. There would be conflict if I felt or always stayed on the lookout for something off. So. here's my disclaimer for sanity.

three days.

What changed? Fear took over. Why? Because that's how I lived for so long. I managed to overcome it, within me relating to my myself. Literally as soon as I did that, a question came in the form of a girl, can you overcome it when relating to others? And then, like a very catchy chorus, it begged a refrain: can you overcome it in relating to how your aspirations and work are met by the outside world? Fear still takes over automatically. I still can't find the damaged fuse before the lights turn off. But I can find matches and fix it right after, and if that's all I take from my time since I left home, it's worth it. I can't control what goes on outside. I can't control the outside's reactions, be it girl, work, world. I can only see what/where/who/why I am, so that - whatever goes on outside - my reactions, actions will come from Me. Not from fears, nor from projections, protections. Then there is no suffering. Pain, maybe, and all kinds of emotions, a rainbow or greys, blacks, maybe some purples too, some lights - some emerald green? Feelings, but no true suffering.

Post Eighteen: fisting. you knew it was coming.

I wanted to make clear(ish) for me where my life is right now, and seeing how I feel when I say and do things, when I'm there and it's real, is the only way I can know. My thoughts lie so much, but in the present everything that is not true it just peeled away. Because I know where I am, I don't need confirmations, proof, and certainly nothing you don't feel like giving or having, for whatever reason. I don't want to (try and) shape the space around me, I just want to feel/fill mine. I wish to live my life and enjoy it when our lives are parallel, play with one another and decide to intertwine. I believe that, for all of us, if we know where we are, then our horizon is ours to fill, play with, change, let be, as we please. I want to be where I am now, also because (and isn't it nice when that happens) I like it very much, and I like where you are too - not necessarily in relation to me, I mean wherever that is, however it is, because I like you and the articulations, positions and moments of you. Mhhhh, positions of you. Anyway. When we are parallel, we can go anywhere, which doesn't mean everywhere, to me it means in any direction including not moving at all, or a little sideways, or back or forth or wherever it pleases. At least, this is how I feel. For me. It's where I am. The realization of this breath - like freedom, and the realization that maybe I get to share a bit of it with someone I think is quite awesome, make me feel nifty. This of course is meant to be applied to fisting. But interpret it as you please.

post seventeen: happiness

And now I feel better. All those clouds, that had no reason for being there and were just clouds, but felt like rocks, rocks sewn in my skin and forced in my stomach, are gone. They could have taken over. They could have dictate my night, they could have dictated this moment and spread like disease to my spine, they could have spelled who I am with their guttural, half-chewed words. But they are not what I am, they are what I carry, and if I realize that I am carrying them and realize that I don't want to, that they are hurting me and not helping me anymore, I can simply drop them. Now I feel happy, and open, and in touch with what I actually am. above all, I feel grateful. And I can't wait to see you, Carly, not to say anything, but just to see you and read a beautiful syllable of completion for this happiness word that is me right now and that you help me spell. All the rest doesn't matter. You (blank page) and you(carlyface) really helped me see it, thank you, and the rocks don't have to drown me, I can be water.

INNER PAIN-T(H)ING / OUTER PAINTING, sixteenth post.

INNER PAINTING: This kind of sucks. I understand the situation, but Judy is going to be there, so are Jason and Darlene, maybe Bobby, I feel like people get to do what they want, and I have to bite it and give something up, on a day where I could have used some company, laughter and distraction. Maybe again it's a war-flashback of being left out that I kind of felt growing up and I'm taking it way too hard. I do understand, mentally. It's just that emotionally it still registers, maybe also because I'm a bit vulnerable to begin with, today. So maybe this is actually a fair situation, and it's registering differently because my antennae are a bit crooked at the moment, and distort the signal they pick up. I also understand from the perspective of being sort of the newest addition, and having walked into a pre-set situation, which means that I have to be the one making adjustments, at least in the beginning, being the external element. And that's also fair. ACTUAL PAINTING: Maybe I just needed to spread things out in words, see the situation so as to not be clouded by my own emotions, that have a knack for feeding themselves and growing and taking things over unless I am able to observe the reality of the situation and not the reality they paint for me out of the colors I have inside, which are not necessarily the colors used for the outside, so I might end up with an apparently similar but radically different version of the truth. I don't want to do that. PAINTING ANALYSIS (SELF THERAPY, I SUPPOSE): It's really important to me to state how I feel, but also make it very clear that it's NOT a request or a weight to put on others, or someone's responsibility, it's only A STEP IN A PROCESS that allows me to see what's going on in ME, my own history, my own fears and projections and the way they try to take over and dictate what I see. So it's important for me to voice emotions because that way I can see them and take responsibility for them - DISCLAIMER: I ask you and everyone to not take what I say personally, but to just hold up the mirror, just for a moment, and not take those things on or think they say something about you: they don't, they only say something about me. Just know that you are helping me see things I have inside, they are NOT things you do or create, they are things I feel for a bunch of old inner mechanisms that try to always interfere and have their way, and if I can see them, then I can avoid projecting or forcing them on you or others, creating unnecessary and untrue conflict. Thank you for your help. Love.

5.01 am, fifteenth post.

can't sleep. it's not insomnia, it's just that i don't think I've been awake long enough for my body to feel tired. And as nice as it actually is, there's only so much time you can spend staring at the person in your bed. As they, indeed, sleep. I think we had the closest thing to a fight to date, which is a (mostly, though I think I could have handled it better) polite exchange of feelings and opinions about a not supercomfortable topic. I think I learned a lot today. About a lot of things. The main feeling in me right now is the very familiar worry/fear. I think it's some sort of war flashback type of thing: this feeling comes up due to the conversations we had, but then it doesn't go away, it hangs on to me as I hang on to the suspicion that it's not over, that conflicts aren't resolved, that I have to tiptoe and can't relax or things will crash. Though this power blend of shit emotions isn't directly tied to the current situation. It's triggered by it, like a crackling fire triggers war memories -as I was saying- in a psycho veteran. thus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lL6hdi588g *** It's not such a distant past, maybe also because it was (and possibly still is) part of I relate to people: trying to keep them in a happy place starts feeling like a chore though, and I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to enjoy what I have. Which I was managing to do. It's changing now, and I think because feelings are getting more intense. Everything feels considerably more real, colors more subtle, less bright but more varied. I start feeling like I could really let myself be tangled in this, relate to someone in a lot of aspects of my life, which I'm not sure I've actually ever done genuinely and in a sustained, real way. I want to really be in it? A lot of me says yes. Well, something says no right away, but that's my default fear. It would say no to stretching my hand to get the formerly known as plum juice bottle (now just refill water bottle), just to prevent any effort or non-inert movement on my part. A lot of me says I want to be able to get deeper in this, but not slipping back into what I do, I want to be able to enjoy this and live the reality of it with the same -if not more- enthusiasm and openness. *** So maybe that's why I couldn't sleep. Because of the circle of negative thoughts, the power blend of shit that energizes itself to work itself out to become bulkier and have a stronger hold. So tricky, you kinda see it, know what it is just enough to feel like you know it enough not to devote more attention to it, tricking yourself into ignoring it, really, so that it can feed itself better and eat away at you, slowly, not enough to actually raise a red flag, but enough to corrode the edges of your life and maybe try to start spreading to the spine. Now I see it, and realize it's not me, it's not tied to this, but above all since I see it it's no longer a default mechanism, it's something that I CAN CHOOSE TO USE OR NOT. Obviously it set in in the past out of necessity, a creative adjustment to deal with the world, unconscious, and I'm sure it helped me at some point. Thanks. But now it's not helping anymore, it can be a great tool, but not for this, I don't want it to be unconscious, automatic, default anymore. I want to be aware and have an option to use it or not, if doesn't work for me but actually makes me worse. I think I needed this, so thank you, blank page with a creepy glow, like a pale, translucent ghoul hand jerking me off in the dark. Thank you. also: why isn't it letting me dividing things into paragraphs, and it just writes everything all squashed together? and I have to resort to *** to try and separate things?

If we could watch twin peaks on the wall, go for doughnut runs but only when it rains (possibly pours, with possible thunderstorms and lightning like veins, cutting up the grey, dark grey and night navy),be cold with wet clothes so we can take them off and find warmth; if we could make love like last night, just make it, 'cause I don't know that either one of us actually believes in it, in doubt we make it so we can have it; if we could have sex and love laughing possibly not at my dick or at what I say and almost immediately regret, even smiling (sometimes) at the reflections in the window, even though it's more than just a little narcissistic; if I could always feel about myself like you make me feel about me when you turn around, half asleep, and see me, and smile - if I could always feel about myself like I do then; if I could always have the awareness and knowledge and peace I had saturday lying on grass that I swear was breathing and feeling I think what a soul is -which to me is petty new, not 'cause I'm broody, just because there's rubble that needs to be removed- and realizing i want to write you, I want to tell you; if all this were true, at most times and mostly outside time, I think I'd be pretty fucking happy. But then again what the fuck am I saying, "if": it is possible and in fact it IS right now so, you know, that's nice.