a disclaimer for sanity

So. I feel things are actually going well. Like, very. I met someone incredibly intelligent, and funny, and caring, with such talent and sheer beauty inside. Also, like, outside. Someone that I get to spend time with, who seems quite taken by me, and who I am taken with, too. / I have a good friend, talented and funny loyal, that I get to work with on a good project. / There's weather, outside, that lets me get sunburnt in the park listening to homeless people arguing about lyrics to an old song (papa was a rollin' stone). So, things are going well. Which means that sometimes (hopefully most of the times) I am able to live them and enjoy them, and find nourishment and inspiration in them. Sometimes I find myself double-guessing this sneaky happiness feeling, feeling me up in all my special places like a rapy ninja. So I am going to go ahead and operate under this assumption: unless told otherwise, everything is fine. I feel I can handle criticism, even rejection - after all I act and write, being able to somehow cope with rejection is, I feel, really the only requirement. This assumption is not based on a particular positive attitude nor on endless trust in my ability to relate to other people. In fact, it comes from quite the opposite. My thoughts, in certain circumstances, don't tend to go to a particularly happy place. Which puts me on edge and prompts me to tiptoe around people, something I truly loathe doing, especially when I enjoy their company - it goes from treat for my being to threat to my shell, and that's not good. I don't need to hear everything, I think right now I don't even need complete transparency and such. What I do need is that if anything IS wrong, for that to be voiced. Because I don not want to live wondering. Guessing. Second guessing. I want to live freely, which at this moment means for me to know that if there was something indeed wrong, or upsetting on any level, or just disembalancing, it would be voiced. And if it isn't being voiced, it's because it's not there. I can take pretty much anything that can be said to me. I have a decent idea of what I am and a passable flexibility about it. My mom always said stretching is important. I guess she was right on various levels. It's pretty hard for me to ask for things. But at this moment I need this, so that I can learn to live what I have without falling into old patterns. As new, freer patterns develop, hopefully I won't need it anymore - that's the idea: to build my own inner support also in this area. Which is what I'm working toward. But for now, this would be really helpful. I don't know it's too much to ask. I do know some people would rather set themselves on fire or take resentment to the grave rather than risking hurting someone, or rather than having the possibility of conflict. But this would hurt me or bring conflict. I would be hurt if I had to wonder and not know, like a limbo of mirrors where I can only see my own suspicion, reflected and enhanced. There would be conflict if I felt or always stayed on the lookout for something off. So. here's my disclaimer for sanity.