5.01 am, fifteenth post.

can't sleep. it's not insomnia, it's just that i don't think I've been awake long enough for my body to feel tired. And as nice as it actually is, there's only so much time you can spend staring at the person in your bed. As they, indeed, sleep. I think we had the closest thing to a fight to date, which is a (mostly, though I think I could have handled it better) polite exchange of feelings and opinions about a not supercomfortable topic. I think I learned a lot today. About a lot of things. The main feeling in me right now is the very familiar worry/fear. I think it's some sort of war flashback type of thing: this feeling comes up due to the conversations we had, but then it doesn't go away, it hangs on to me as I hang on to the suspicion that it's not over, that conflicts aren't resolved, that I have to tiptoe and can't relax or things will crash. Though this power blend of shit emotions isn't directly tied to the current situation. It's triggered by it, like a crackling fire triggers war memories -as I was saying- in a psycho veteran. thus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lL6hdi588g *** It's not such a distant past, maybe also because it was (and possibly still is) part of I relate to people: trying to keep them in a happy place starts feeling like a chore though, and I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to enjoy what I have. Which I was managing to do. It's changing now, and I think because feelings are getting more intense. Everything feels considerably more real, colors more subtle, less bright but more varied. I start feeling like I could really let myself be tangled in this, relate to someone in a lot of aspects of my life, which I'm not sure I've actually ever done genuinely and in a sustained, real way. I want to really be in it? A lot of me says yes. Well, something says no right away, but that's my default fear. It would say no to stretching my hand to get the formerly known as plum juice bottle (now just refill water bottle), just to prevent any effort or non-inert movement on my part. A lot of me says I want to be able to get deeper in this, but not slipping back into what I do, I want to be able to enjoy this and live the reality of it with the same -if not more- enthusiasm and openness. *** So maybe that's why I couldn't sleep. Because of the circle of negative thoughts, the power blend of shit that energizes itself to work itself out to become bulkier and have a stronger hold. So tricky, you kinda see it, know what it is just enough to feel like you know it enough not to devote more attention to it, tricking yourself into ignoring it, really, so that it can feed itself better and eat away at you, slowly, not enough to actually raise a red flag, but enough to corrode the edges of your life and maybe try to start spreading to the spine. Now I see it, and realize it's not me, it's not tied to this, but above all since I see it it's no longer a default mechanism, it's something that I CAN CHOOSE TO USE OR NOT. Obviously it set in in the past out of necessity, a creative adjustment to deal with the world, unconscious, and I'm sure it helped me at some point. Thanks. But now it's not helping anymore, it can be a great tool, but not for this, I don't want it to be unconscious, automatic, default anymore. I want to be aware and have an option to use it or not, if doesn't work for me but actually makes me worse. I think I needed this, so thank you, blank page with a creepy glow, like a pale, translucent ghoul hand jerking me off in the dark. Thank you. also: why isn't it letting me dividing things into paragraphs, and it just writes everything all squashed together? and I have to resort to *** to try and separate things?