INNER PAIN-T(H)ING / OUTER PAINTING, sixteenth post.

INNER PAINTING: This kind of sucks. I understand the situation, but Judy is going to be there, so are Jason and Darlene, maybe Bobby, I feel like people get to do what they want, and I have to bite it and give something up, on a day where I could have used some company, laughter and distraction. Maybe again it's a war-flashback of being left out that I kind of felt growing up and I'm taking it way too hard. I do understand, mentally. It's just that emotionally it still registers, maybe also because I'm a bit vulnerable to begin with, today. So maybe this is actually a fair situation, and it's registering differently because my antennae are a bit crooked at the moment, and distort the signal they pick up. I also understand from the perspective of being sort of the newest addition, and having walked into a pre-set situation, which means that I have to be the one making adjustments, at least in the beginning, being the external element. And that's also fair. ACTUAL PAINTING: Maybe I just needed to spread things out in words, see the situation so as to not be clouded by my own emotions, that have a knack for feeding themselves and growing and taking things over unless I am able to observe the reality of the situation and not the reality they paint for me out of the colors I have inside, which are not necessarily the colors used for the outside, so I might end up with an apparently similar but radically different version of the truth. I don't want to do that. PAINTING ANALYSIS (SELF THERAPY, I SUPPOSE): It's really important to me to state how I feel, but also make it very clear that it's NOT a request or a weight to put on others, or someone's responsibility, it's only A STEP IN A PROCESS that allows me to see what's going on in ME, my own history, my own fears and projections and the way they try to take over and dictate what I see. So it's important for me to voice emotions because that way I can see them and take responsibility for them - DISCLAIMER: I ask you and everyone to not take what I say personally, but to just hold up the mirror, just for a moment, and not take those things on or think they say something about you: they don't, they only say something about me. Just know that you are helping me see things I have inside, they are NOT things you do or create, they are things I feel for a bunch of old inner mechanisms that try to always interfere and have their way, and if I can see them, then I can avoid projecting or forcing them on you or others, creating unnecessary and untrue conflict. Thank you for your help. Love.