post seventeen: happiness

And now I feel better. All those clouds, that had no reason for being there and were just clouds, but felt like rocks, rocks sewn in my skin and forced in my stomach, are gone. They could have taken over. They could have dictate my night, they could have dictated this moment and spread like disease to my spine, they could have spelled who I am with their guttural, half-chewed words. But they are not what I am, they are what I carry, and if I realize that I am carrying them and realize that I don't want to, that they are hurting me and not helping me anymore, I can simply drop them. Now I feel happy, and open, and in touch with what I actually am. above all, I feel grateful. And I can't wait to see you, Carly, not to say anything, but just to see you and read a beautiful syllable of completion for this happiness word that is me right now and that you help me spell. All the rest doesn't matter. You (blank page) and you(carlyface) really helped me see it, thank you, and the rocks don't have to drown me, I can be water.

INNER PAIN-T(H)ING / OUTER PAINTING, sixteenth post.

INNER PAINTING: This kind of sucks. I understand the situation, but Judy is going to be there, so are Jason and Darlene, maybe Bobby, I feel like people get to do what they want, and I have to bite it and give something up, on a day where I could have used some company, laughter and distraction. Maybe again it's a war-flashback of being left out that I kind of felt growing up and I'm taking it way too hard. I do understand, mentally. It's just that emotionally it still registers, maybe also because I'm a bit vulnerable to begin with, today. So maybe this is actually a fair situation, and it's registering differently because my antennae are a bit crooked at the moment, and distort the signal they pick up. I also understand from the perspective of being sort of the newest addition, and having walked into a pre-set situation, which means that I have to be the one making adjustments, at least in the beginning, being the external element. And that's also fair. ACTUAL PAINTING: Maybe I just needed to spread things out in words, see the situation so as to not be clouded by my own emotions, that have a knack for feeding themselves and growing and taking things over unless I am able to observe the reality of the situation and not the reality they paint for me out of the colors I have inside, which are not necessarily the colors used for the outside, so I might end up with an apparently similar but radically different version of the truth. I don't want to do that. PAINTING ANALYSIS (SELF THERAPY, I SUPPOSE): It's really important to me to state how I feel, but also make it very clear that it's NOT a request or a weight to put on others, or someone's responsibility, it's only A STEP IN A PROCESS that allows me to see what's going on in ME, my own history, my own fears and projections and the way they try to take over and dictate what I see. So it's important for me to voice emotions because that way I can see them and take responsibility for them - DISCLAIMER: I ask you and everyone to not take what I say personally, but to just hold up the mirror, just for a moment, and not take those things on or think they say something about you: they don't, they only say something about me. Just know that you are helping me see things I have inside, they are NOT things you do or create, they are things I feel for a bunch of old inner mechanisms that try to always interfere and have their way, and if I can see them, then I can avoid projecting or forcing them on you or others, creating unnecessary and untrue conflict. Thank you for your help. Love.

5.01 am, fifteenth post.

can't sleep. it's not insomnia, it's just that i don't think I've been awake long enough for my body to feel tired. And as nice as it actually is, there's only so much time you can spend staring at the person in your bed. As they, indeed, sleep. I think we had the closest thing to a fight to date, which is a (mostly, though I think I could have handled it better) polite exchange of feelings and opinions about a not supercomfortable topic. I think I learned a lot today. About a lot of things. The main feeling in me right now is the very familiar worry/fear. I think it's some sort of war flashback type of thing: this feeling comes up due to the conversations we had, but then it doesn't go away, it hangs on to me as I hang on to the suspicion that it's not over, that conflicts aren't resolved, that I have to tiptoe and can't relax or things will crash. Though this power blend of shit emotions isn't directly tied to the current situation. It's triggered by it, like a crackling fire triggers war memories -as I was saying- in a psycho veteran. thus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lL6hdi588g *** It's not such a distant past, maybe also because it was (and possibly still is) part of I relate to people: trying to keep them in a happy place starts feeling like a chore though, and I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to enjoy what I have. Which I was managing to do. It's changing now, and I think because feelings are getting more intense. Everything feels considerably more real, colors more subtle, less bright but more varied. I start feeling like I could really let myself be tangled in this, relate to someone in a lot of aspects of my life, which I'm not sure I've actually ever done genuinely and in a sustained, real way. I want to really be in it? A lot of me says yes. Well, something says no right away, but that's my default fear. It would say no to stretching my hand to get the formerly known as plum juice bottle (now just refill water bottle), just to prevent any effort or non-inert movement on my part. A lot of me says I want to be able to get deeper in this, but not slipping back into what I do, I want to be able to enjoy this and live the reality of it with the same -if not more- enthusiasm and openness. *** So maybe that's why I couldn't sleep. Because of the circle of negative thoughts, the power blend of shit that energizes itself to work itself out to become bulkier and have a stronger hold. So tricky, you kinda see it, know what it is just enough to feel like you know it enough not to devote more attention to it, tricking yourself into ignoring it, really, so that it can feed itself better and eat away at you, slowly, not enough to actually raise a red flag, but enough to corrode the edges of your life and maybe try to start spreading to the spine. Now I see it, and realize it's not me, it's not tied to this, but above all since I see it it's no longer a default mechanism, it's something that I CAN CHOOSE TO USE OR NOT. Obviously it set in in the past out of necessity, a creative adjustment to deal with the world, unconscious, and I'm sure it helped me at some point. Thanks. But now it's not helping anymore, it can be a great tool, but not for this, I don't want it to be unconscious, automatic, default anymore. I want to be aware and have an option to use it or not, if doesn't work for me but actually makes me worse. I think I needed this, so thank you, blank page with a creepy glow, like a pale, translucent ghoul hand jerking me off in the dark. Thank you. also: why isn't it letting me dividing things into paragraphs, and it just writes everything all squashed together? and I have to resort to *** to try and separate things?

If we could watch twin peaks on the wall, go for doughnut runs but only when it rains (possibly pours, with possible thunderstorms and lightning like veins, cutting up the grey, dark grey and night navy),be cold with wet clothes so we can take them off and find warmth; if we could make love like last night, just make it, 'cause I don't know that either one of us actually believes in it, in doubt we make it so we can have it; if we could have sex and love laughing possibly not at my dick or at what I say and almost immediately regret, even smiling (sometimes) at the reflections in the window, even though it's more than just a little narcissistic; if I could always feel about myself like you make me feel about me when you turn around, half asleep, and see me, and smile - if I could always feel about myself like I do then; if I could always have the awareness and knowledge and peace I had saturday lying on grass that I swear was breathing and feeling I think what a soul is -which to me is petty new, not 'cause I'm broody, just because there's rubble that needs to be removed- and realizing i want to write you, I want to tell you; if all this were true, at most times and mostly outside time, I think I'd be pretty fucking happy. But then again what the fuck am I saying, "if": it is possible and in fact it IS right now so, you know, that's nice.

fuck you. why are you asking me for the title first? usually first I write, then there's a title. fuck you. Post Fourteen. Fifteen? No, I think Fourteen. Oh sorry, I thought you meant new blog as in new post, but you meant actual new blog. My bad. By the way, it's more like post Eighteen. But out of the numbered ones, Fourteen.

What are my thoughts, here. Am I worried I'm not letting myself feeling what I do feel? Or am I worried I want to feel something and I'm forcing it? The latter doesn't strike me as right. I wish I were in the woods. I wish I had a bucket of rocks, and some twenty paces away a glass bottle. Then I'd know. but the second isn't resonating. The first resonates more, but doesn't feel like struck glass. Glass comes from scolding hot, molten fibers of matter, like lava, ever-moving, always shapeless in their choreography. It breaks when it stops, it's breakable when it becomes rigid, it's not stronger if it hardens, it's exposed and weaker. I think ti works that way for everything. We are virtually invulnerable, at least on a deeper level, as long as we don't identify with an imposed, mind-crafted identity, made of past and in general of Outside, as long as we don't harden in our certainties that we hold on to so we don't feel ever-moving, like lava, which is our true, virtually invulnerable nature. The only way to be actually safe. So to not be ruled by fear I have to not harden, to keep touching what life I have in me, and if you get me closer to it -which you do- I'll keep wanting to touch you, and that's really all I need to know right now.

post 13th. I should have written it friday.

How do you define to yourself the realization of being close to a person?
Is it when seeing them laugh or smile as if from their middle gives you a moment of simple and clear happiness? Is it when you see them in pain and feel empathy and a sort of respect? Is it when you are fine without them, but you notice that you'd b at least as fine, possible better, if you were with them?
Maybe this is just the high. Maybe I don't see cracks and problems, incompatibilities, limitations. Things that will dry everything up when the colors fade. Or maybe being close to a person is the inner acceptance of everything as it unfolds, or rather the will to just be there and accept things as they unfold, without trying to hold anything together specifically, without trying to push for anything, taking pleasure and taking pleasure in giving.
I don't know what I want. I know I'm really happy with what I have.

12th post. Like 12th floor, only different.

Maybe I will start writing on here again.

I suppose since I met you I feel a tad more motivated to live.
Which is actually not sad at all, because I met you in a period where, yes, things fluctuate, but in general I'm really quite happy with where I am. Definitely at peace with it often actually happy. With myself too.
I wish I'd get published, that would really be the utmost pinnacle of existence for me right now. But just staying in the city I love, walking around (sometimes it's even warm out), getting to write and work on things I care about and I feel stimulated and scared and excited by - it's really quite the dream.

Perhaps I wished for someone I could share some things with. I share chicken wings with Mattia. I would never even think of doing that with you.
I share time and thoughts with other part of myself and the tiny, (mostly) affectionate demons I live with.
I'd like to share laughs and some feelings with you.

I suppose this became a letter to you. But don't worry, it will get way more personal.
Thanks for suggesting I'd do this.

haarp?

Tesla's and Reich's machines were confiscated by american authorities, indicating a clear interest in weather-control.

What bugs me, personally, is not the "weather" part, that's just a symptom: it's the "control" part.

Practicing control instead of acceptance is a natural reaction of the lonely, scared self in front of the universe. The universe, though, was so structured that while control was a strong temptation for men, as much as they could try to achieve it, they could never quite do it. So, by enlightenment or circumstance, balance was somewhat protected.

Men still can't achieve control, but they still think they can: and they can delude themselves much more, and much more convincingly. And destructively.

As long as we try to fix the world around us so that it satisfies our needs and agendas instead of accepting it and realizing that it's up to us to follow the universe (thus satisfying all our needs and true agendas) and not the other way around, we will always fail. and destroy. and be more and more ruled by fear.

instead of being in-Life and following it, most people try to bend Life to fit their projections, fears, shortcomings, they try to bend it to follow it their non-life.
If my neighbor does it, or a friend, or even me, it might be damaging, and the damage might affect a number of people. But ultimately, everyone can be accountable for his own Life.
But if our representatives do it, they ruin Life for all of us.

Many see lack of accountability and responsibility as a blessing: more and more, politicians, stars, rich and important people try to teach us how great it is to "get away with it": no responsibility, no accountability.
This is the environment that is making us lose accountability for Life, and our own Lives.

Everything has consequences. Control in an illusion at best, usually a delusion, often destruction.

que vive la resistance?

A volte la vita potrebbe attraversarmi ma la tensione, (fisicita' della resistenza, feto della paura) tensione nella mandibola, spalle alte - le spalle si alzano e il collo si irrigidisce, cosi' le decine di muscoli che fasciano la testa, mi mette in sordina. sono messo in sordina dalla sor(di)da strategia della tensione(assoluta resistenza - resistenza all'assoluto come flusso e movimento, terrorizzata imposizione di un assoluto come paradigma totale e monolite), movimento essenzialmente statico, tensione che rinforza i solchi del mosaico di se stessa.

L'essere che aspetta di entrare in - vita e' fa l'autostop all'assoluto, la tensione nega un passaggio perche' nega movimento. Resti solo e appiedato su una route 66 di monoliti che non vanno da nessuna parte e ti dicono di adattarti: diventi un monolite che non va da nessuna parte(cioe' verso la morte), e investono la vita sotto la stasi del loro (mancato)passaggio con ruote di buonismo e guadagno, investono la vita in azioni e speculazioni assassine da miopi bastardi, pericolosi che andrebbero annichiliti, cio' gli renderebbe giustizia, li renderebbe a pieno cio' che sono: portatori di nulla(ingiustizia).
Andate affanculo perche' io mi fermo. Decidendo di fermarmi e scendere, accetto il passaggio e do' un passaggio alla vita. La percezione e' capovolta: resistenza, que vive la resistance, e' cio' che si oppone all'assoluto. Ma l'assoluto e' un assolutismo che inneggia alla stasi, al controllo, che accetta la paura, e' il falso, piccolo e impaurito assoluto da' al suo nemico il suo nome: resistenza, ma cosi' non fa altro che affermare come inconsciamente anche il falso assoluto reputi resistenza una dimensione negativa. E quindi se stesso una cosa negativa, perche' esso e' resistenza alla vita. E cosi' il vero assoluto, soprannominato con scherno empio “ resistenza” , puo' rovesciare il significato imposto grazie alla forza centrifuga del significato vero(cioe' intimamente legato alla vita, =vita) e utilizzare se stesso, cioe' il flusso, per affermare se stesso(cioe' il flusso in un oggettivarsi di forme) e non la singola forma che, affetta da fatale miopia dell'anima, perde di vista i suoi confini di scatola e si proclama assoluto, rendendo quei mobili confini di essere morti monoliti di stasi.

Affanculo la percezione alla rovescia. In un mondo di paura tutto e' alla rovescia, e' la paura cio' che ci allontana dalla vita, ma cio' che ci fa paura nel mondo alla rovescia nasconde un segreto di vita(cio' che piu' ci fa paura e' perdere noi stessi). Oltre il babau della paura c'e' un mostro di vita (io sono vita). Oltre lo spaventapasseri della paura c'e' un campo di vita, al di la' della paura, che non e' la base, non c'e' (come temiamo alla rovescia) l'assenza di tutto, ma la presenza di tutto. Al di la' c'e' il vero assoluto: vita. E al di la' non e' un'altra dimensione, un'altra vita: e' questa vita, la nostra vita una volta che ce ne siamo impadroniti, la sola vita, il fantasticato eden che nel mondo alla rovescia cerchiamo da un'altra parte. Questa stupenda voglia di innamorarmi e' il mio passaggio e io lo sto scegliendo di nuovo, e forse riusciro' a sceglierlo ogni volta.

Apologia dell'insulto (pretenziosa)

sono in tensione verso la scoperta di me,scoprendo cio' che e'.Per evidenziare questa tensione uso parole come cazzo e culo.Ma anche merda.Se questo non vi piace,andate a fare in culo teste di cazzo,di cazzo succhiamerda.
Gli insulti fanno ridere,le scoreggie no.Gli insulti sono scoregge concettuali,concetti fallaci,fallacie poetiche,poetica mancanza di poesia.Perche' in un mondo che mnca di poesia,la parola che manca di poesia e',crea non-mancanza di poesia,riflessioni di specchi che non esistono ma in un mondo di apparenza si trovano ad essere,se 1x0=0, 0x0=0, ma -1x-1=1.
Allora perche' insulti si' e scoreggie no?
In un mondo di merda una scoreggia non annulla la mancanza,ma assume la presenza in un'aereofagica addizione ontologica,operazione chirurgica di un'espressione estetico-matematica dal calcolo fine:cio' che appare e' percepito come essenza da chi appare,cosi' l'essenza di chi appare si dimentica come un risultato primordiale che non vuole espressione se non il suo essere la sua essenza,cosi' chi appare sta in realta' guardando a se stesso come un'apparizione,chi e' diventa chi appare che diventa chi guarda.Quando tutti guardano,chiunque si muova muove i loro sguardi e controlla i loro occhi,chiunque indichi dove guardare detiene il potere,il potere che nasce dalla dimenticanza dell'essenza,dal gioco dell'apparire diventato incubo del non-essere e quindi dell'essere stato-passivo,perche' indicato.
In un mondo di guardoni la volgarita' ha successo,la volgarita' dell'azione,che e' il guadagno,volgarita' della testa che e' la furbizia,volgarita' della passione che e' l'invidia,volgarita' della scelta che e' il rimorso,volgarita' dell creativita' che e' l'ego,volgarita' del progetto che e' il controllo.La volgarita' del linguaggio e' l'insulto,ma se insulti il linguaggio,portatore malsano di volgarita' come espressione non primordiale ma indicata,cosa succede?lo purifichi,e intanto ti diverti.

Un'espressione divertente e' l'unica operazione che da' un risultato primordiale.E' l'unica chirurgia che rende innecesaria l'operazione,e' l'unica estetica senza giudizio(l'estetica dell'unica realta'),l'ontologia senza paragone:essere cio' che e',che si' e' e quindi che si e',progetto fatto di decostruzioni,di rendere assente il condizionamento dell'indicazione per trovare cio' che e' percepito come assenza,ma che e' la massima presenza del nostro io,il flusso vitale in noi stessi che e' noi,identita' perfetta per qualita',per logica,per necessita',per prassi.Per realizzazione,per felicita'.Per vita,per poter morire davvero(solo chi vive davvero puo' morire davvero-gli altri sono fantasmi del passato,vampiri del presente e zombi del futuro).La vita puo' essere un horror di serie b.Per questo adoro gli horror di serie b.Quando voglio risposte guardo “l'armata delle tenebre”.
Indicando cio' che indica indichi il trucco di chi nascode l'essenza.Indicando l'indicazione il gesto dell'essere riacquista la sua essenza. Chi vuole intendere intenda, gli altri in roulotte.

Chi intende non indica,riferisce,non perche' riporta ma perche' ferisce se stesso(quello che crediamo sia noi stessi ma e' solo ego) per trovare il se' dentro i tagli,il se' che sgorga perche' e' flusso.La crosta di ego si fortifica a ogni ferita,ma ogni feirta e' un momento d'apertura che puo' invitarci ad essere.
Essere e' la piu' alta forma di conoscenza,e' una conoscenza che non distingue tra pratica e teoria,e nessuno conosce tanto quanto una creatura cosciente di se',nemmeno il Creatore.
Per questo forse il Creatore crea,per riaffermarsi e per conoscersi in una carnalita' hegeliana che non fa della dialettica il suo movimento ma la sua croce:ognuno e' una realta' separata e quindi in contrasto con la totalita' frammentata,ogni momento della vita di questo ognuno e' un frammento dello specchio di vita che e' il vivente.Ma la vita non e' un mosaico di tasselli,bensi' scheggie di specchio:ognuno deve superare la sua stessa resistenza(la resistenza dell'ego che crede di perdersi e quindi annullarsi se si lascia andare alla forza vitale,mentre il perdersi nella forza vitale e' la fenice che s'immerge nel flusso di lava) per trovare la vita come unico valore,e affermare questa scelta in ogni attimo di esistenza,per rendere questa esistenza,questa vegetativita',vita.

La forza vitale vuole perpetrarsi(cio' che in noi sono gli istinti massimi di autoconservazione e procreazione) e conoscersi(che noi possiamo SCEGLIERE di volere perdendo l'ego e scoprendo il flusso vitale in noi):questo e' essere.Cio' che la vita vuole e' massimamente essere,riempire ogni crepa di nulla con la presenza dell'essenza,rendere tutto massimamente presente,cioe' se' massimamente presente.Poiche' la vita,come energia creativa,per potersi affermare deve oggettivarsi in forme,queste forme sono creazioni finite,dotati di confini:il superamento di questi confini e' la chiave dell'essere:dobbiamo essere sempre massimamente presenti.Per fare questo dobbiamo liberare noi stessi dai confini di paura imposti dall'ego,liberarci della resistenza che ci lega al nulla,che apre crepe di nulla nella nostra esistenza,rendendo il campo neutro dell'esistenza una mancanza di vita.Gli organismi vegetativi sono massimamente presenti al massimo della loro essenza,la loro essenza e' gia' necessariamente presente.Gli esseri umani hanno la possibilita' di scegliere questa presenza e di rendere presenti tutto il resto del reale tramite la sua conservazione.Ogni uomo porta in se' ogni albero,ogni roccia che sia mai esistita,ogni luogo,ogni vento sono pregni dell'interconnessione delle cose.Tutto cio' che non punta a rendere massimamente presente se stesso e tutto cio' che tocca e' da considerarsi fuorilegge:e' nemico della legge naturale,della legge della vita,di cui facciamo parte e che non possiamo rinnegare perche' sarebbe affermazione di morte,cioe' condanna di noi stessi e di tutto l'essere che abbiamo il sublime compito di rendere presente.

New Rules For Gender Definition In A Confusing Era

men don't look at women, women are too low.
looking at women is gay.

men don't appreciate women, women appreciate existing- we just allow them to.
if you appreciate a woman, you're gay.

men have only two positive emotional speeds: getting violent about something and not thinking something is gay.
everything else is gay.

men don't make love, men fuck.
if you make love to a woman, you're gay. if you fuck a woman, you're a man. if you fuck a man but don't enjoy it, you're not gay.
if you fuck a man and enjoy it violently, you are not gay.

if you're gay and you're violent about it, you're not gay.


you can tell men apart from women because nobody sees women.
if you notice someone, he's a man.
if you hear a distant whining, that's probably a dying panda. or a building collapsing. or a woman.

women are like men
if men were gay.