Nico Lang's Fallacies

I recently read this blog http://www.wbez.org/blogs/nico-lang/2013-05/what-hating-gwyneth-paltrow-says-about-us-106954
and it troubled me.
"Troubled" being too much of a strong word. But still. It seems that this blogger has quite a following, and that's great for her/him. Also, I very much agree with the spirit f the piece and the points it's trying to make. However they're largely based on what seems to be (to me) a series of fallacies, that - and I care about this especially since I agree with the points per se - end up weakening the points significantly.
The main thesis is that since Star Magazine published a list of most hated famous people, and since females are higher on said list despite having done the same deeds or even morally/legally better than their male counterparts, society as a whole tends to punish women more.
I don't disagree with that point. I do disagree however with the arguments used to implement it.
First, I'm not sure that taking Star's most-hated rankings as an accurate poll of contemporary society as a whole is reliable.
Even assuming that said list is based on polls and not on media powerhouses' "trending" efforts (which since given most gossip magazines' PR implications wouldn't be a crazy assumption, and though it might not concoct a list out of thin air, it could certainly tweak it a bit), there is no documentation as to "who" has been participating in providing data. Most polls, to meet satisfactory standards of accuracy in representing a society as a whole, cover several "groups", with differences in gender, income, interests, education, background, ethnic background, occupation, belief-system, place of residency and so on.
Can we assume this is what Star did? Probably not, as most of these "rankings" have mostly a speculative/entertainment value and come from magazine readers or people "profiled" to be potential magazine readers, who are asked to participate so they can be more directly involved (and therefore invested) in the magazine. So it's probably logical to assume that the views expressed  in the ranking reflect the opinions of Star's readers, mostly.
(Wider and more scientifically-conducted) Polls show that the majority of gossip magazines readers (and the majority of the participants in their polls) are women(for Stars is about a 4:1 ratio) of low to above average education and low to above average income. That's the average, though, which means women of high education and income are included.
That a lot of men historically don't like successful women is, sadly, clear enough. Though I like the encouraging signs that, in recent history, have been gearing toward hopefully putting a stop to nonsense like that.
Is this that I'm writing an attempt at undermining a successful woman?
Well, firstly I don't know that Nico Lang is a woman, because Nico, in my country, is a name or nickname used equally for both genders. Secondly, my issues with the piece stem from the use of double-standards and (more or less voluntarily, let's assumed less because my first instinct is always to read malice, but I'm working on that because it speaks to my own insecurities, and I'm trying to work on those too) skewed perspectives to paint a picture that seemingly proves a point, and can convince others in such sense, but really doesn't.
So to use this article to prove that society as a whole tends to regard women more harshly, in light of the arguments above, misguided and misguiding. The real question the poll raises is why women (especially the more educated and successful) seem prone to punishing other women. And that is, again, assuming that the list itself is not influenced by PR agendas and is in fact reflective of the magazine readers' opinions.

This can be ascribed to a different interpretation of the given data.
There are however also some fallacies that are the author's own doing.
For example, the question is asked "why is Kirsten Stewart frowned upon or ridiculed for always looking unhappy, while Sean Penn won two Oscar doing just that" (I'm paraphrasing).
Again, I don't disagree with the point that society seems to expect young girls to be happy and carefree and naive, and ostracizes them if they show any pensive, analytical, disillusioned sides, and that's fucked up (to that point I could also add, though, that just like a young woman trying to escape her naive sex object role, so an older man who tries to escape the reliable, stoic good provider role and is carefree, naive, trusting, overly positive is seen as a failure or something to be cast aside).
That said, I do disagree though with example the author uses, because it's a completely inaccurate parallel: Sean Penn didn't win two Oscars because he looks surly, he won them because he proved to be an excellent, versatile, intense actor. Also, he won one of those two Oscars for Milk: we can see him smiling openly from the poster for that film. And he was nominated for "My name is Sam", where he portraid the inner (and outer) life of a functioning adult with a mental disability, and an endearing sweetness and naivete about him. Kristen Stewart, on the other hand, isn't criticized because she looks so disaffected, but because in a largely popular series she seemed to only be able to (or only be asked to) provide that one side of her personality, paired with not memorable performances in an overall pretty artistically ridiculous piece. This is the real "grievance", the cracks at her surly persona stem from that and, I believe, are to be considered more humoristic in nature than actually critical.

Also, she asks why Chris Brown, who is by all means a criminal and in my opinion should no be allowed to walk free let alone have a public profile and lean into being some twisted role model, is significantly less hated, placing only at #20.
Well. Again, this list is based on a gossip magazine. Gossip magazines in essence are based partially on voyeurism and largely on fantasizing: readers feel a connection to the "stars", they can develop opinions about their private lives, have an emotional reaction, "share a space" -if you will- where there is a direct link with people that would otherwise have completely different lifestyles and would move in different microcosmoses. Plus the allure of fame and money, the drama of lives lived in the public eye, emotions being blown up by cameras and all that goes with it sort of create a modern version of the old Greek Theatre, where the people can partecipate in some archetypal figure's misfortunes and achieve catharsis. I mean, I don't think we're quite there, but I get that is feeds a certain "need" in people.
My point is that this magazines are not approached like news, but like entertainment. There is a disconnect from reality, partially because of this fantasy-related "organ" they stimulate, partially because of the sensationalistic and overly dramatic tones and visual presentation that goes with it.
The very own concept of a "most hated" list, based on no real knowledge of the people in it btu rather on the "dramatized" and simplistic version these magazines offer, is not based on rationality, but rather a conduit for irrational emotions and imperatives.
It wouldn't surprise me if they very same people that voted on this, when taken into a different contest (i.e. an interview on the street for the New York Times or whatever established news outlet, in their real life), when informed of the reality of the facts (a man savagely beat his girlfriend, then bragged about it overtly showing no sings of regret but in fact advocating for young men and women that to be a real man you have to have no consideration for a woman's feelings, body, safety, dignity and fucking existence) and then asked an opinion, would not reply "oh, yeah, that's kinda bad, but have you seen Gwyneth Paltrow? Now, that's a serious threat to our society and morals".

To wrap it up: Nico lang, I don't know you and that saddens me because you seem to have a genuine interest and drive toward educating people to be overall less unabashed douches and learn that equality and understanding are probably a couple of the very few things that might save us as a society from self-destruction. But if I could object to your arguments supporting that thesis -and I believe I share a lot of what you seem to believe in- how can you effectively inform and stimulate people who don't?
When Schopenhauer wrote "The Art of being Right" (or however that got translated in English, something along those line), he proved that everyone can win an argument using the right fallacies.
But I believe we are at a point in history where winning arguments isn't enough -and in fact that we got here because winning arguments became more important than finding the truth, however seemingly unpleasant. And try and back up the truth with fallacious arguments actually makes the truth vulnerable to attacks from those who don't care about it and just care about making a point and crushing their "opponent".
And there's too much of a need for healthy, genuine, resonating truth to allow that to happen.

The Net: cartography or the future present

I look at the situation in Italy and realize a golpe is taking place. A counter-golpe, actually. Here’s what I think will happen. Bersani will win, with little margin on Berlusconi. Grillo will be a fairly close third. At that point, Berlusconi will have fulfilled his last function and will finally be dropped, so he can die in relative peace. This government will last a few months. Probably within a year Grillo will be in power. Then he’ll die, unless they’ll want to keep him as a PR. But’s they’re probably already grooming a heir to the throne (maybe for the bigger coalition it will be the actual heir to the British throne). Anyway. Grillo will more or less metaphorically Die, and the true face will come out. Maybe a collective face, that will rule us in Italy for the next era. Hopefully they’ll be very Platonic about it: both and principles and, hey, not fucking us.

The shadows who have been controlling Italy until the 70′s and 80′s have been slowly taken over by the banking system: State serving Banks. This has been just a strand in the Wold trend of general Capsizing, relegating life to serve economy and not viceversa.
But the shadows didn’t just sit around quietly, they acted. Maybe out of ego, out of what’s ingrained in them, they carried on their little functions with their little agendas, shortsighted and efficient. Maybe, like Brothers, they knew their function but also the Program, knowing that magik (life) happens when will and law are parallel. Ether way: along comes the crisis. And thanks to this crisis they will slowly take the helm again.

Historical Summary: we have awesome knowledge and power; oh fuck it’s out, and the Church is taking it (but filtered through Ego, speeding up the big Capsizing of all principles and ehtics); ok, let’s keep a presence in their, but also start to think about organizing ourselves formally, again; ok, once that’s done let’s make some Nations: Italy (Carbonari), USA (founding fathers) and such, we’ll use those as our bases for the next steps; or shit here comes Capitalism and it’s Ego, it’s Self in its complete opposite, capsized anti-version. But not to worry, we’ll turn that around too.
Years ago I theorized “The Line”, a philosophical system based on adherence to the stream of life instead of its capsized current version. But what if it’s not a Line, but a Net?
One thing Grillo, as well as Obama and many other, are calling for is a unified nationwide (for now) free wi-fi system. But is there anyone here who actually understand how that works? How you upload and download, where the information is stored, where it is, what it is, what type of wave it is, what frequency of energy, what it entails? One thing I can believe is that this is a living metaphor and an incarnation of the Superconscious which is to take over the world again bringing about a new era of complete and perfect parallelism with Life.

So, is this a conspiracy? And if so, “benign” or “malevolent”? Or is it just the natural unfolding of the program we are all fractions and functions of?
I think my answer is: Yes.

I feel there’s a war going on. There has always been and always be, but it’s very apparent and strained now, close to a re-capsizing, a shift. It’s a war between states and banks, between nations, above all between Ego and Self, between controlling power divorced from Life and controlling power in touch with Life. This endless struggle can be used as a key to interpret and re-read significant historical moments, many of which happened in the past century and set the scene for the current showdown. It’s likely this will escalate in actual, overt war as we think of it.
I have ideas but no certainties as to what the fighting sides are. or rather, I have a sense of what they are (represent) but not as much of who they are (represented by). I wonder if they know they are on the same side, the One side which is not a side but a circle and it’s Life with its Movement. I wonder if they know that, and still play because that’s how it has to be, and they use people that don’t know and are completely invested in their “side”.
Regardless: Italy, together with Greece, Egypt, maybe Iran and Israel, possibly England that kept Itself out of the Euro possibly waiting for a leadership role (and this is very much not a random grouping but a clearly traceable line in initiatic tradition) will be catalysts for this shift.

What does this mean for me, as a person?
Do I want to be a part of this shift?
yes. Do I want that for ego or participation?
Right now mostly for ego. Or rather, for participation filtered through ego: to have a place, to have an acknowledged meaning, to say “hey, I know what’s going on! Look at m! I’m one of you, let me in, let me into the inner circle!”.
But I think participation is very much possible on a Self basis. If the aim is really a Net, if the driving force is the coming of a Superconscious dimension, then the only way to access that is through the Self. I can be made to be parallel, or I can find myself parallel. And for this to happen on every evel, in every level of existence, from within the individual to the individual itself to groups to nations to the world, and onwards.

This way: problem (previously coagulated) solved.

La Rete

Mi sono reso conta di una cosa, guardando Grillo. Un golpe e’ in atto, o meglio, un contro-golpe. Ecco quello che credo succedera’. Bersani vincera’, con poco margine, tallonato da Berlusconi (o viceversa, ma non credo). A quel punto Berlusconi avra’ esaurito la sua funziona e potra’ morire in pace (l’hanno ripreso solo per destabilizzare la strategia delle Banche che tende a consolidarsi). Questo governo durera’ qualche mese. Entro un anno, Grillo sara’ in controllo del Parlamento. Poi Grillo, probabilmente, morira’. Forse no, se decideranno di tenerlo come PR. Ma ho idea che abbiano in servo un nuovo principe della luce (William? Bhe’ il nome c’e’. E poi e’ il turno dei Brits non sbaglio. Anche se un Italiano sarebbe intrigante). Comunque. Grillo morira’ piu’ o meno metaforicamente e il vero volto del partito verra’ fuori. E sara’ l’oligarchia che ci governera’ per la prossima epoca. Platoncamente, si spera. E yes, double entendre: sia coi principi Platonici, che senza fuck us.

Le ombre che avevano in mano il paese fino agli anni 70-80 si sono trovate lentamente rovesciate dal sistema bancario (coi suoi vari alleati Corporazioni, Mafia -che va sempre un po’ dove le par- and so on). Un take over sottile e capillare, che ha portato lo Stato a dipendere dalla Banca. E qui lasciamo l’Italia e abbracciamo il mondo: l’economia si e’ capovolta, da serva della Vita ha asservito la Vita (economy should serve life, not vice versa). Ma lo Stato non ha solo guardato, mes Freres non hanno solo guardato, si sono dati da fare (o forse hanno osservato e capito e lasciato scorrere: come sanno bene, Magia e’ dove sono parallele Legge e Volonta’) e arriva la crisi. E grazie alla crisi finalmente riprendono il Controllo. Nell’identico modo di come stan facendo tramite Grillo.Praticamente lo stesso trucco di Mussolini.  Ma new and improved, e soprattutto testato. E ripulito (transmutato?). E che avevo sistematizzato per mio conto (neanche sapevo di Grillo al tempo, ma forse ci speravo) tre anni fa come strategia di Marketing per avere comunicazione col pubblico e grande impatto/supporto andando a toccare, ricevere e incanalare questa energia crescente.

Agenda storica: Ok ragazzi, appena ci si riesce a districare dalla Chiesa (Se’ puro pervertito in Ego e come tale regnante), ci si costituisce. Poi si prendono le Nazioni (America coi padri fondatori, Italia coi carbonari, Francia con gli illuministi-ati, etcetera’). Occazzo arriva il Capitalismo, ovvero l’Ego, di nuovo, ovvero le banche. Ci ha fottuti. Ma tranqui, adesso Ci riprendiamo. Ecco che arriva lo shift.

Anni fa avevo teorizzato La Linea. Ma forse e’ una rete. La Rete di cui parla gianroberto. non ricordo il cognome.

E’ una cospirazione? e se si’ benevolente o malvagia? O e’ solo il movimento naturale del nulla diventato universo?

Si. Dove sono parallele legge e volonta’ avviene magia.



Ho scritto per ego o per partecipazione? Per ego. Per ego volenteroso di un posto di partecipazione. Ma forse la richiesta di un posto come valore che mi viene dato, consentito da lontano, dall’esterno e’ l’interpretazione dell’ego della mia partecipazione. E allora ad essa affianchiamo anche un’altra interpretazione: intanto, offriti quel posto da solo e occupalo completamente. Per partecipare serve solo guardarti dentro e scoprirti Parallelo.

Ho l’impressione che ci sia una guerra in atto. Tra Banche (ego) e Stato (scuola iniziatica). E che gli eventi in Germania e Russia nel secolo breve sono state pedine in quel senso, le varie roccaforti si sono consolidate. Se Hitler era davvero un Fratello e, orrendamente, gli e’ stato dato un compito preciso (che forse ha interpretato alla lettera, forse ha pervertito e esacerbato), allora gli Stati Uniti sono una roccaforte opposta. Ma d’altra parte potrebbe essere una roccaforte opposta anche se era un auto-inflitto flagello per riposizionare certi interessi (soluzione che preferirei per fede). E Obama potrebbe essere vassallo o alleato “nostro”. Nostro? se anche mio non so ancora. Comunque. Ho idee ma non certezze su quali siano gli schieramenti. So solo che l’Italia, come e’ giusto che sia, in concomitanza con la Grecia (com’e’ giustissimo che sia), l’ Egitto (ovviamente non puo’ mancare, in questa linea diretta inziatica), forse l’Iran (storicamente la culla, a meno che abbia deciso di scriversi e cantarsi una storia tutta sua), sara’ l’Ago della Bilancia. Sono qui per prendere le cose in mano, mantenendo sempre come unico criterio la trasparenza e identificazione in me e non nel Movimento. Pero’, in caso le mie speranze siano errati e i fratelli della luce sono una minoranza nella Roccaforte (o magari inesistenti), una piccola secessione e guerra civile interna, che non sembra ancora dare frutti, allora forse mettere allo stesso livello la fedelta’ a Me e al Movimento(ribelle): per combattere insieme a quella Minoranza. Tra l’altro in questo modo, anche se inesistenti, tornerebbero Esistenti. Problem (previouly coagulated) solved.

The infibulating feeling of purposelessness. Is choking me from my spine.
I don't know if it has to do with it being 12.38, and I've been awake for over two hours now ad other than washing myself I've accomplished nothing.
Or maybe with the pressure of engagement. To engage in anything seems like the perfect disease to contract, while I want to ignore and be ignored by all symptoms, especially exposure.
One can die of exposure.

I miss Carly.

miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly miss you carly.

in other news: I might need a hobby.

mantra

When I understand what needs a situation, behavior, pattern, person fulfills in my life, it will stop presenting itself.

(aimed at "negative" things. A broader and probably more accurate way to state that, is that I will have a real choice whether to keep it or let it go, depending on what makes me happier)

identity & possessions, balance & the fight between extremes

disclaimer: this is not about you, baby. or rather, maybe about you, but because about me and what I witness (with some logical leaps trying to follow the line of reasoning into things that are not my own, but i can see being mine of that I neared/risked), and so about you if that's part of who you are, but that's up to you. even the part about birds: I have an irrational hatred for small fluttering animals, I now know it's because part of me feels like one of them, but that's all I mean by it.


Identity (fear of loss of identity, embedded certainty of lack of identity)

-material possessions
we give special unconscious value to things in our lives, as the lack of identity makes look at them as what makes us Us. This becomes attachment to material possessions, so while we have the subconscious urge to attach ourselves to some items, we counterbalance that with a propensity to lose, misplace, or treat poorly other items (or, in some cases, the very same);  it  also translates into placing a lot of emphasis on owning, sometime to the point of hoarding, counterbalanced by bursts of "I'll take all this shit and throw it away" and a craving for space - this can also turn into claustrophobia, or its opposite, agoraphobia, if the subconscious urge or its counterbalancing act reach extremes.

-bodily possessions
for the same reasons above, but spoken through the body-bound language of symbols, we transfer the same value to their symbolic correspectives in ourselves, and attach ourselves, quite literally, to our "shit": the result is intestinal stypsis, spastic colon, colitis, gas, and is counterbalanced with meteorism, propensity to food poisoning and diarrhea; the symbolic transfer also applies to other parts of us, such as: holding on to liquids (water retention), causing bloating, kidney stones, propensity to urinary tract infections, counterbalanced by propensity to sweat or transpire, "leak" liquids in various parts of the body (crying, watery eyes, discharges or overly active genital lubrication); also holding on to other parts of the body, like hair(not wanting to cut it significantly) or facial hair (not wanting to be clean shaven), counterbalanced by outbursts of shaving head or trimming significantly, shaving face; also not wanting to process food (so it doesn't reach the intestine and won't leave) which turns into propensity to indigestion, heartburn, even ulcer or anorexia in extremes, and is counterbalanced by great emphasis on food, gluttony, constant hunger, bulimia in the extreme.

-emotional possessions
for the same reasons, there is also an "hoarding" of emotions, relationships, people: emotions will be held on to, not shared, choked and stacked, with the physical symptoms of breathing-related problems and the emotional symptoms of feeling trapped, anxiety, panic attacks, counterbalanced by forceful outbursts in the form of aggression or emotional breakdowns; people are seen as fragments of a sense of self, together they create a mirror and that mirror is the person's identity, so they will be "collected" to enhance a sense of self, counterbalanced by the urge to keep them at a distance to avoid seeing the self (perceived as "lacking", "bad", "not enough"); loss of a person is seen as loss of self, so there is a need to constantly be in a relationship or not being alone, and to not let go of relationships, counterbalanced by a negative attitude toward relationships (as not letting go causes a cycle of drama and suffering that comes to be identified as what a relationship is), disengagement from other people, actively avoiding other people.

-spiritual possession
When identity is attached to the material world and not to our true, alive nature, there is a struggle: the subconscious, in fear, wants to be symbolically earthbound, while our true self counterbalances that with longing for "air", the symbolical spiritual ground.
So there will be an attractions to earthbound animals (symbolically, the snake is the most earthbound, but also the scorpion or other animals that crawl on the earth) and a rejection of flying animals, seeing as fickle, pointless in their continuous upsetting fluttering: it's the earthbound subconscious that tries to undermine or ridicule the spirit's longing for elevation.
At the same time, this is counterbalanced by a strong pull toward being elevated, more and less literally: standing out, being on top, wanting to be taller, to live higher off the ground, maybe becoming a pilot or someone that chooses a profession or a life situation that makes them travel by plane.

-attention
 "the needy child within exhibits a strong and decisive front for the world"
 (taken from a Flowers of Bach - Heather website)
With lack of identity comes a need for attention - the attention that in the early stages wasn't supposed to create identity, but to reassure the child that WHAT WAS THERE WAS ENOUGH, that it already had an identity that was fully loved and worthwhile and meaningful. When that lacks, comes the constant struggle to create an identity, moving from the inner belief that there isn't one, or that what's there is not enough, so it needs to be filled, enlarged, compiled, with the consequent behaviors above, which in turn create the counterbalancing acts.

All the experiences, memories, possessions, relationships, do not form identity. They form experiences, memories, possessions, relationships that can be lived, appreciated, learned from, enjoyed, by the Living Identity that is already and has always been there.

The strong and decisive front showed to counterbalanced the needy, lost little child, is in fact a forced, unhealthy version of the strong, natural state of identity that is already there, but was never properly acknowledged (or was not perceived as acknowledged by the child- who perceives things not in a rational way and does not differentiate it, reflects upon, understands or analyze things), just like the superior, elevated sense of self shown to the world to counterbalanced the fear and inadequacy is an unhealthy version of the self-assured, free already existing real Identity, just like the caring impulse that makes me take over other people problems and feel responsible for them to counterbalance for my self-absorption and thirst for attention and approval, is the unhealthy version of just being, openly, in touch with Myself therefore in touch with everything, therefore connected and empathetic.

Green Knives.

There is my acquired consciousness. Which is actually in part the subconscious, as referred to in the previous post. So there is this cloud of energy, beliefs, thoughts, that becomes the canvas for my life, and gives me the colors and the models to reproduce. They all come from there. I just hold the paintbrush and paint, me painting is my conscious, which together with the subconscious creates my acquired consciousness. Of course I think I'm choosing the color, and the subjects to portray, but I'm not, my subconscious if feeding them to me, and it will keep feeding them to me until I stop and realize: wait, my subconscious is feeding me there, based on its beliefs and desires, which are inaccurate for me, not true anymore, not real. Only then will i be able to choose the subjects I want to portray and the colors to use.

 But how do I make that realization: by witnessing. By observing, looking at what's there. Me looking at myself doesn't create another me, it simply creates a different conscious, a virgin consciousness, not acquired, that is just there, witnessing what's going on. The act of observing creates this virgin consciousness, feeds it and nourishes it.  And it's this virgin consciousness that allows me to see what goes on inside me not as Me, what I do, but as something that is happening IN me, or that is forced ON me. 

This doesn't mean, for example, that is the subconscious gave me only green to paint with and a knife to portray, I will stop painting green knives. it just means I will know why I'm portraying green knives on a deeper level (before that, the conscious told me I was portraying green knives because I liked them, and I was encountering green knives because, well, that was the situation - but the subconscious was pulling the strings and arranging things so that I would keep encountering and feel like portraying green knives) - and I will have a choice to keep painting them, or look for other colors, or something else to paint.

However, until I take the subconscious and make it conscious - through the observing power of consciousness, that develops with the sheer act of observing and accepting-  I will only encounter green knives, and I will only feel like painting green knives, and what's worse, i'll think it's my only choice, my reality. My life.

And maybe I'll get sick of them, and keep encountering them, and get sicker, and frustrated, and unhappy, and keep encountering them, not understanding it's not a coincidence, not a situation that just happens, but an eternally present bubble I make myself live in mistaking it for the world. 

What survives in the Me that is virgin consciousness-driven, free: everything. Everything that I am.  The acquired consciousness joined in, not longer acquired, hidden, but fuly lit, shining as what it is. All my memories, experiences, all my painting techniques and styles and my paintbrushes and colors are there. Everything. Only, I am now free, I now have access to all of it, I'm not acting something out without the choice, possibility or even awareness that it can be different, I have the possibility to live in the world exercising my true will, with my consciousness fully aligned with life, flowing through me without interferences, debris, hiding spots, dams, undercurrents.

I can use, live, appreciate all my tools, experiences, memories, only not hidden, tarnished, mislead by the subconscious and not repetitively re-enacted by the conscious thinking it's living (while it's just perpetrating invisible commands mistaking them as its own will in  the world). I dont lose any of me, I just gain the ability to see all of me for what it is: a loving, connected, resourceful being with all the colors, canvases, subjects to paint, to create an artwork that becomes a tassel in the mosaic of life gaining awareness of itself - as above so below: as Life does, so we do in our lives, helping it and helping us, our true purpose.

binary system of survival

The child is born, and it should be completely cared for by a mother (protection, nourishment, care) and a father (protection, guidance, care) - or mother/father figures. it should grow with these two core beliefs: I am safe and cared for, and I am loved and acknowledged.
Problem is usually the child develops its understanding of the world on very different believes, gathered interpreting the situation around it while in the mother's belly, and from year one to four (apparently year 0 to 1 doesn't really matter because the child hasn't realized yet that it is alive).

When the child is in utero, it feels everything the mother feels, and everything says strongly to anyone or feels strongly toward anyone, the child takes personally. so if the mother thinks "what the fuck kind of situation did I get myself into, I can't do this, if only I wasn't pregnant I could do this or that" and then maybe yells quite constantly at her husband, or on the other hand isn't very taken with him and doesn't verbalize or shows of deeply feels any strong love or care or affection, the child gets signals like "making the wrong choice makes you regret your life, do not EVER make the wrong choice or you will end up like this (and whenever the child, even when adult, has/wants to do something important, the body actually chokes the adrenal glands, creating tiredness, depression, impossibility to get up, focus, actual sleepiness, all kinds of things - and also on the other hand there's the constant pressure that creates anxiety, inability to enjoy things, to take a break and just be)";

or like "this is my fault" (which brings a feeling of guilt and great responsibility for everything going on around the person n his life); or like "I am not loved, i am not worthy of affection. I am not worthy of care or notice" (which bring lack of identity, hence the desire to live other identities, maybe also being an actor?, feeling very inadequate and insecure, and/or overcompensating for that with aggressive, outcasty, cutting, superior attitudes or beliefs);

or like "relationships only being suffering, so do not have them" (and seeing someone you haven't seen for five years or that you were in school with makes you walk the other wy to avoi contact, same with meeting people in general, relating - also because of not feeling confident enough to have an identity, let alone one that others would find interesting, worthwhile, acknowledge and god forbid appreciate);

or, above all, messages like "this situation is not good. be on guard. always be on guard because things happen and make me suffer. so always be afraid. because fear makes you careful and attentive. always be afraid. of everything. everything is a potential threat", which makes even walk by random people on the street a war that can only be won wearing all black, carrying a knife, staring them down, looking at them with dead or cutting eyes
(LOVE, I'M REALLY NOT SENDING YOU INDIRECT MESSAGES, I AM HONESTLY NOT TRYING TO TALK ABOUT YOU. I KNOW THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT FEEL SOME OF THIS MIGHT APPLY, BUT IT'S NOT AN ATTEMPT TO SUGGEST THINGS ABOUT YOU, JUST TO WRITE, WELL, ABOUT ME AND HOW ABOUT CERTAIN MECHANISMS).

Anyway, where does the binary system of survival come in? Here. The child is born with this already put on him. He feels this is his starting identity, these are the believes that shape the world. his world. which to him is the world, the world that filters the universe into him. chances are that with such a prologue, the first years of the child will be more of the same, or maybe some added shit. anyway, he, and I can possibly drop the he and just say I, I believe these beliefs to be the Truth. Not consciously obviously. But subconsciously, this becomes what shapes my life. And yes, it is true we are all connected, plugged into the the same awareness, the same consciousness(at least I feel and believe so), and all those talks about shaping your life, attracting things and such (what is called traditional magic, basically) are all true: only it's not what we want consciously, what we want to attract, our conscious thoughts that shape our lives, it's the immensely more powerful, more rooted subconscious: it is timeless, it does not deal in present or past but only in now, it's eternally present, subconsiously we are still that child, we still operate according to the same beliefs, we shape the world according to those beliefs, we attract things based on them. why? for survival.

because the child is born and, as said before, his beliefs should be "my parents love me, I am love and worthwhile, it's this love and care that keep me alive, therefore love, care and connection is the key to being and remaining alive, it's what brings me into this world and empowers me to survive". but when these beliefs lack or are not strong enough, they are replaced by other beliefs - for me, the ones stated above.

So the child has these beliefs, and at the same realizes "I AM ALIVE". "I hold this and this and this to be true AND I SURVIVE". which leads to the binary system: "I KEEP DOING THIS, I SURVIVE. THEREFORE IF I STOP I DIE".

that's why we re-enact the same things over and over and over, stuck in that timeless subconscious-shaped world: because we hold that belief system responsible for our survival. My mother didn't do what she was supposed to. Neither did my dad. So the ideal beliefs I was supposed to get, i did not get, I got a different set instead. The only way to be free and just be is to bring all the subconscious beliefs to consciousness, see them understand them, and start sending the message to body, self, everything, that THAT IS NOT REALITY. IT WAS JUST AN INTERPRETATION MADE BY A LITTLE KID

(children until roughly five have no brain hemisphere distinction, there is no logical thought, so if dad is away for work, he isn't away for work, HE IS AWAY FROM ME. and why would he possibly be away from me, unless I made it so?)

 AND NOW CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHANGED, INTERPRETATION HAS CHANGED, EVEN INTERPRETATION OF THOSE ORIGINAL AND ORIGINATING CIRCUMSTANCES HAS CHANGED, I AM A FULLY FUNCTIONAL, INDEPENDENT, SMART ADULT, YET I STILL LIVE, OPERATE, SHAPE MY LIFE BASED ON THE INTERPRETATION OF THE PAST MADE BY A LITTLE KID.

I carry that around with me everywhere, weight of the past (which in traditional chinese medicine apparently reflects in the back, like there is an actual weight on me, responsible for posture, pains and such, on top of the emotional and psychological connotations above). And I keep at it because I associate those belief not only with the only possible truth, but also with the only way of survival.

 It's why I've always picked relationships bound to fail: to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, because I got the core belief that relationshps bring pain, and I survived then, so I associate my surviving with that belief, so I re-enact that same circumstance to reinforce the belief that relationships are painful, so I can reinforce my survival.

 It's why I systematically lose all my id documents: because I don't have an identity, I only say yes to whatever people ask, want, more or less directly of me, because I wasn't acknowledged therefore I am not worthwhile of an identity, and I make people go away so i have to keep them by making them happy about me, because they are NOT happy about me. And I have to keep doing this because I was doing this and I was surviving, and if I stop I will die.

I went to America because my mother wanted out when she was pregnant, she wanted to leave, escape, but couldn't because -hey- she was pregnant, and passed all those feelings on to me. All this stuff, all this life, happiness wasted by operating according to completely inaccurate beliefs, all these years lived in a world that doesn't exist but that I trap myself into, and use as the only perspective.

Things have been changing for a long time, accelerating from september on. I do have a relationship that although it may very well end, it's not bound to. And it is with someone that in some ways is very similar to me and every day helps me see myself, like a wonderful, caring mirror, and every day helps me take a little piece of unconscious and bringing it to the light. I have a wonderful therapist, a few excellent books and this witch doctor I met today who are all helping me tremendously.

I don't really know what I am. What my identity is. i feel like the desert, it was sea, it can be completely fertile. for now it's just space. space I want to clear from all the things that I know now are NOT me, and are not my way to survive. and certainly not live. I have been surviving because I am functioning, i eat, I drink, I go on. Not because of my beliefs.
I do get sick because of my beliefs, however. from my body trying to restore the balance. example: 'till a few months ago, I went to the bethroom once every two, three days. and it still happens somehow. why? intestines are associated with identity. not feeling like I have one (for the reasons above), shit becomes my identity. literally.
like it can become, on the outside, cars, houses, clothes, party affiliations, beliefs, whatever. on the inside, all that shit literally becomes shit. and my body does't let go of it, because the body works with symbols and intuition, it replaces lost identity with something that symolizes it and hold on to it - the body does not act on a rational level, so it might be strange to me what the conceptual leap from identity to shit is (and it's not "I am shit". god, at least I hope not), it's just that shit becomes the symbol for identity, which for the body is the thing itself, so it balances everything out: "you don't have identity? no problem, here, hold on to this shit, I mean identity".
handy? yes. and, in a way, exceedingly caring and efficient. actually good for me? no.

I want to live freely. I don't know what will come. I love the glimpses I have had. I do believe that so much of what I have with you, Carly, is part of that glimpse. I just know I want to really bring all this to full light, and though he is and will always be in me, I do not want be dragged around anymore by a scared, lonely child, with the weight and laws of his non-existing world on me and in every part of me.

a day at the lake, a day at the beach.

I need some sort of contact with you, words are not enough, probably seeing you won't be enough either- I mean, even when I'm with you it's not enough really I feel like I want to be inside your skin- but I guess whatever we can get will have to do. I don't know if I can love you the way I think you deserve, i don't know if I can love you enough to make you truly happy, and for us both to be truly happy. I do know that you surprise me. I do know that I love being surprised by you, and by m in relation to you. I hope the sun is treating you nicely. On my part, i think i got sunburnt today. why do I write here instead of directly to you? Because though nobody reads this, I like the idea of it being out there, in public. Same reason why I really wanted to have sex in Bryant Park, i guess, or that I didn't care one bit about the huge windows in your boss' office. It's a bit of that. And a bit of letting the inside come through toward the outside, something I very much -with certain things- refrain from doing. As you know. Anyway. Love.

world of ocean, world of sand.

this all matters in a way, it certainly all touches me, in a way. To deny that, is lying. But to give it the power and significance to define my reality, that's also ling. It only touches the surface, form-like, time-bound me. To try and find my true identity based on this, on "reality" and my life, is like trying to enclose an ocean in a sandbox. The ocean is what really matters, what rally nourishes me and defines me. Every over sand form lives in the world of sand, not in the world of ocean. It can trick but it cannot fill, define or nourish the world of ocean.